self help – The Agape Narrative Project

The Live Ones Hurt

This past week I felt a dryness to I have never experienced before. For those who live around me, they will immediately perk up to respond with “We have had so much rain! What dryness?!” Even though everything around me was soaked, spiritually I was experiencing a separation from God for reasons I was unable to ascertain on my own that left my heart cracking like a dried riverbed. A series of events led me to uncover myself hidden within a shelter of fig leaves I had built around my own heart. Keeping it from anyone and everything including God. I had noticed my poor actions prior to layering the walls with clay ridden mud because I didn’t know what to do besides keep building. The more I pondered over this reaction, the more I began to barricade myself inside with no concern of the dryness that was spreading to my full body. This dark place felt familiar and safe even though I knew it was going to be the death of me. Purposeful starvation of love seems so obviously bad for me in hindsight, but I was basking in the dry darkness that had once been my home for so long.

The factors that lead me here were only brought to the surface when I finally confessed in a mentor of mine. This was not the original plan for the conversation, but it quickly changed when he noticed my face and demeanor. Physical pain is something that has always thrown off my balance. The weather around me of consistent rain gave me a more accurate determination of the barometric pressure outside than the weather app could ever do. He asked me if what I was feeling was just physical since he noticed how awkwardly I was sitting. I swallowed my accountability pill and decided to tell him about the days prior to our meeting.

While I suffered a silent internal war of physical pain, a church group of mine had started to fall apart. Some had revoked their commitment to an open discussion conversational group based off readings inspired by and containing God’s word. This was one of my safe places with people I felt connected with through faith. A scheduling conflict arose in our group chat and that was the start of the collapse. Texts were sent and emotions were heightened for some including myself. One of the members informed us he was no longer planning to attend since he made other commitments that now did not align with the groups schedule. One of the brothers made a few comments that I was not happy to see. I felt singled out when I offered two possible ways to keep the group meeting that were meat with an assumption of me overstepping my role. This was mostly unwarranted in my mind because there were no roles or leadership positions, but he made it clear that I was not the “leader”, and I was not the one to make any decisions even though I only offered options. This disappointing outcome combined with my physical pain drove me to a dark place of anger I have not seen in several months.

So, I pulled out the contact list and dialed this brother with the plan to clear the air. To my surprise, he answered calmly. Due to my current state of mind this response fueled my anger. I demanded he explain where this tension was coming from and asserted that he was making this personal. He responded with a timid tone lined with uncertainty. Feeling justified at every turn, I reciprocated with my quick-witted responses to every “um” or “er” he made. The relentless interrogation continued for a few minutes until we both received calls from other people. Shortly thereafter, the originator of the group called me and stated that he was “just a facilitator” and agreed with some of my statements in the chat. After a few short seconds of vindication, he then informed me that he would no longer be able to attend the group due to his other commitments to another group he was with before. I felt foolish for even caring about the group. That past hour of emotions felt like a waste to me at this point.

Unsure of how to proceed, I reached out to another good friend who was in a similar group. As far as I had gone down that angry path, I knew I needed help and just kept talking until he heard something he could point out to me. He proposed I prayed over this and advised that I should ponder over if I was projecting my feelings on others. This made a lot of sense. I have always struggled with feeling accepted or respected. Anger has been a problem for me in the not-so-distant past so of course I am in this place right now. Meditation superseded the calls. I thought about my words, my intent, my actions, and my emotions. I did not use harsh language at any point, but over the phone my tone was shaped like a spear that was being hurled through the strength of mild manner vernacular poisoned with ill intent. The transcript would appear like a rose with thorns, but unbeknownst to the reader those thorns were surreptitiously brushed with tetrodotoxin. This realization of my poor reactions was followed up with an apology which was immediately met with forgiveness from that brother, but I still felt out of place. “Where was it coming from?” I asked myself. “I thought I was doing better. Why am I failing myself?… Why am I failing God!?”

For several days I laid in the carcass of my own ego and expectation. The physical pain had me locked into a trap of anguish and my mental health was following suit. So, I withdrew. I hid myself not knowing what I truly felt. I was lacking direction and choosing to not feel anything. I built that shelter around my heart and eventually my whole self. While in there I was shriveling up slowly dying. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that, especially God. While working, I was short tempered, irritable, and volatile. The people I was supposed to serve with love were getting doused in gasoline with every question they asked with no idea that a lighter could be thrown at any time. Awareness of these unchecked emotions spilling into my work life caused me to panic and start filling the cracks in the wall with whatever I could find and eventually withdrawing further into emptiness. The next day is when I was scheduled a meeting with my mentor.

While in his office, I explained all of this to him in less articulate words. He followed up with a few questions. “Is this the first time any brother has let you down on this journey?” I thought about this during the long awkward pause he left ringing in the air. I realized that this was a place I was really hurting. That hurt was from feeling rejected by my own community and the loss of the community itself. “Was this group important to you?” he asked with an understanding look. “Yes,” I replied with tears now resting upon my eyelids ready to break form down my cheek. “Are you grieving?” he asked. “Yes,” stumbled out of my mouth as I fought the crippling wave of emotions trying to overcome my stone like demeanor. In those few questions I found the words for what I need to pray for and registered that I was denying God access to my heart. I knew forgiveness was outside of my walls, but I was afraid I would hurt someone else or give them an opportunity to hurt me if I ever left. In these moments my shelter was crumbling, and I felt the water rise from the once cracked riverbed. In four days I had experienced abandonment and loss which led to self-isolation and anger with an unknown need to grieve during one of the most physically limiting periods of my life. I cornered a brother based off an assumption of disrespect in a group chat. Emotionally, I was ignoring my wife and friends. At work I took out my hostility on people just needing some direction or for simply asking how my weekend was. God was pruning me to better myself and I was retreating from the pain of the event after a branch I felt was “not so bad” was loped off. Several weeks prior to this I told my mentor I thought God was punishing me and he quickly responded, “God does not punish us, he prunes us.” I smiled and said “yeah… I can see that. I am better for it.” Then he responded with words I didn’t fully understand until now. “It’s always great when he is pruning the dead branches, but the live ones hurt.” Yeah… I can see that. And I am better for it.

The Little Person

November 13, 2019 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

I have been talking to an older wiser person as of late and found them I am guilty of failing the most important person in my life. Me. He explained to me how in side of each one of us is a smaller person. This super ego was bathed in our upbringing. The conversation of nurture verses nature or how we are conditioned is what drives the personality of that little person inside of you. Are you lost yet? Well I have a few other ways of explaining how I understood this concept and where it led me on my journey thus far. Think of this little person as a seed. It is usually hard and surrounded by a firm but still softer meat/exterior. This softer shell is your current personality that has been molded by the design of the seed. Like many things in nature, nothing is usually exactly alike. Those minute differences in how the seed has set or how much water and sun it received will dictate everything about how that final product will become.

So now you get the visual concept but why does this matter? In our current upbringing we really push for external factors to please us. Likes on social media, how often you are tagged in pictures, complements, income level, etc. We are all looking at everyone else for validation. That little person is surrounded by a much more pliable and weakened surface due to these taught responses. I like when people say they are being “forged”. The concept of being tested under extreme conditions has always produced a stronger material over time. This kind of thinking will bring positivity to hardships and failures as they make you stronger than before. External confidence is great for lifting your spirits temporarily, but it really doesn’t have the same effect of the internal forging. Imagine if you could give yourself confidence and manifest your own options. That does not mean you have to be prideful and do everything alone but at the end of the day you need to have the belief that you really did give effort to something and reward yourself for every step. That last part is tremendously important to people feeling lost. When I was out of work for 2 years with an injury I never once celebrated. It sounds stupid right? Why reward myself for falling so low? It took me two years to catch up to where I was 4 years prior. I had more debt than ever before and was making less money than before my injury. It has been 6 years since that injury. So again I ask, why celebrate? Because I made it. It’s really that simple of a concept. Those other factors don’t matter when you look at what I have achieved. I overcame the most difficult part of my life. I spent 2 years with no income and crawled back into a labor-intensive work environment. Even with all the pain and suffering I have performed many shows, recorded several songs, started a podcast, learned several trades, and bought a home. The point is I was always so busy at looking at where others were in life or how they perceived me that I made the pressure and suffering harder than it needed to be. So how do we do that?

All that starts with looking inside at your little person. The most important thing about looking internally is the clarity it brings. Once you can calibrate your own vision of yourself the world around you will finally become focused. You have been walking around with bad vision your whole life asking other people who can’t see “which way do I go?” Sometimes you don’t have the courage to ask and find yourself following a mass group of people thinking you found the direction you should go while everyone still feels misplaced. Looking in the mirror is not easy for most people. The reality is you are looking at the results of your choices and the circumstance you have been dealt. Watching your actions through a third person perspective helps you understand how complacent you are. Phrases like “I don’t have time for that”, “why should I have to do it”, or “it’s too hard” will annoy you. These words should bother you. They are the sounds of complacency and it has a strong hold on those who chant its false narrative.

To achieve that clarity you have to understand what drive you and what holds you back. Comfort is a big factor. That job or person in your life seems to be good enough to just call the quits. Just hang in there and it will all work out is how comfort speaks to you. It whispers in your ear about how going to the gym or studying is not going to please you right now so why not binge watch Netflix and eat some McDonalds. The reality is that your seeking comfort because you are running from your fears. Your fears of failure or inadequacy drive you to need this comfort. Your littler person is in control when you default to this lifestyle. Understanding this will highlight when you are letting your earlier years dictate what you are doing now or if you are making progress. When I know I have to prepare for the recording studio but I decide to go to the bar with friends, spend upwards of $100, and didn’t get enough sleep on a day that I know is important is ridiculous. yet we make these poor decisions daily because we don’t understand ourselves. Self-worth comes with self-understanding which breeds self-success. Building better habits while enjoying them will bring you way more happiness in life and so will building stronger relationships with similar minded people. Many people quote the phrase “you are the sum of your 5 closest friends” or something along those lines. This is not only true but really hard to overcome. That person has been in your life for X amount of years or did this for you in the past. I am not advising you to cut everyone out of your life but think of it like this: If they aren’t filling your tank they are just using up more of your gas.

This article will really come down to a few things; you have to understand your little person, you must challenge your fears, and it is ok to fail. A lot of these things are really basic, but you are still not utilizing your knowledge of these facts to help yourself. Seeking validation on Facebook or approval on Twitter does not improve you position in life. Engaging in challenging situations and making more for yourself by targeting your goals will improve every aspect of your life. There is no way of changing your life for the better if you never take the steps to do so. Maybe you can win the lottery, but you have to play and understand the odds. When you hesitate to turn your “should do” into “will do” you leave an opening for comfort to speak up. Do not give that little person the wheel. There are no guarantees in this world, but I can personally tell you that understanding yourself and finding your own path in this life will never allow you to fail yourself more than you are right now by doing nothing. Commit to yourself and flourish.

Learning to Lose

October 9, 2019 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

Failure has always been something I dread. The idea of rejection or not living up to a standard keeps me awake at night and anxious in the mornings. The thought of having a complaint on a song that I poured days of time into causes me to overthink everything. The fear of re-work at my job has me inspecting things multiple times so I don’t have a common mistake. I spend so much time trying to look up how to be better so I don’t fail that I forget why I need to lose sometimes.

The lesson of losing or failing shows people humility and the one thing I always struggle to find, the right answer. Having never been a competitive person I was not big on sports or challenging other peoples abilities or my own. So I stayed “humble” for various reasons but mostly out of selfishness. I know it sounds strange but I will give an example. If you haven’t visited a guitar store before it usually has a bunch of people inside playing on an instrument they would like to purchase. Usually they are pushing the amp or drum kit to the limit. They are those people you can hear from the parking lot or through the sound proof room they set up in. These people usually aren’t the most talented players, however they have the confidence that I lack which pulls me away from this kind of situation. I was always “just good” at music. I could figure things out quickly and I was blessed with rhythm. But the fear of someone commenting on my bass or guitar skills always kept me on the lowest volume. If I walked to the acoustic room and someone was in there I would just walk out so they wouldn’t have the chance to hear me disappoint them. Now that I am older I wish I would have put myself in more situations to lose.

When something doesn’t go as planned you learn how NOT to do things. This form of trial by error is not uncommon to me as a gamer but I have trouble accepting those trivial risks in real life situations. Why do people fear this fate? From a logical stand point it feels like the best way to learn in many scenarios. I will spend hours looking up something that could have taken me 20 mins of fiddling around to figure out. Watching other people fail has helped me learn what works and does not. So again, when they fail I don’t harass them, why am I inclined to think I would become a “loser” in their mind for being brave enough to do the same things.

Maybe bravery is the problem. Courage is to know that the building is on fire and still run in to save someones life. Bravery is not knowing what lies beyond the door but still taking the risk. That unknown is what really scares me. But when I know what the risks are and the potential outcomes would it still be my fear of the unknown? Yes. The idea that I can not place a favorable percentage on an outcome, even though I know all the possible scenarios that will enfold, is still so terrifying to me that I will not take the gamble. This game of chance or luck has never been something I pursued as it was taught to me at a young age due to a harsh upbringing. Having to know the outcomes is the only thing that prepares me for the endeavor ahead. If there is less than 75% chance of success I will avoid the situation. This has lead me to lose out on tour opportunities, miss advances in my career, turn down high risk high reward scenarios, and stay safe in my decision makings.

Having never had the confidence to fail lead me to become more isolated. At one point I found myself surrounded by people below my level of skill just so I would feel less threatened. This kind of anxiety has lead me to become less talented and successful than anyone who started off with a lower chance of accomplishment than myself. So from years of playing it safe I have not lost much but gained almost nothing. The moral to the story is fail on purpose. Many entrepreneurs preach this theory and it works. No one is telling you to set yourself up to do some stupid things but if you want to try surfing do it. If you dreamed of opening a bakery then pursue that dream. You can start just but doing small events and making things out of your kitchen. My podcast and band have pushed me to do things that I would have never decided to do on my own. If you need to have a companion on your journeys or some friends with similar interest to guide you just ask. I was surprised to find that they too were not taking the risks for the same reasons. You can grow together. Don’t over complicate the things you want to do in life. Become daring, push your boundaries, and achieve more by doing. Security has it’s advantages, but it will not help you progress.