personal – The Agape Narrative Project

Interviewing A Season

This writing is a little abstract since it was a tool used intended for me break down my own season I am currently in. My hope is that this encourages you to ask yourself some open ended questions to respond to in an effort to evaluate your hearts current position with the Holy Spirit.

Q: What keeps you going with your faith?

A: Sometimes I feel like I am just playing the part. That I have enough information to get through the conversation but couldn’t pass the test. But then I remember all the times I felt this way before and how God has always been there for me. Certain things I have experienced or seen unfold before my eyes were just too well constructed to not have intervention. Also, having believed to have internally heard God speak is quite a powerful reminder that it will never be easy, but He will always be with me.

Q: What is your current season like?

A: Not the most joyous weeks of my life but not the worst. I am seeing a lot of people I care about in bad shape physically. Some are struggling mentally and spiritually. A few are crushing under the weight in all three areas. When one section of our life is being weighed down then the other two areas need to step up to counter the gravity change. If two areas of your life are struggling, then you better hope the one that isn’t is the spiritual side because your physical and mental strengths are limited. As we experience the crushing, we hope to come out stronger, but we struggle to find the joy in it.

As James 1:2-4 states “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” If we could see the potential wine that will be made with the crushing we endure, it would make the process feel useful and not like a punishment. John 15:2 says, “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” Pruning is just like cutting away the split ends, so your hair grows more. Also, if God spared this pruning, He would not be loving us as the children we are to Him since in Proverbs 13:24 it states, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who lives him disciplines him promptly.” If God spares us the rod, then we should worry more. This all goes back to support what was previously mentioned in James. But I have kind of yammered my way into the weeds in this response.

My current season is a reminder of my old self always trying to take over. The battle with the old heart continues. I recently got to look at it from a different perspective which brought much clarity. Sitting in the theatre I see pride and ego enter stage left. The curtain has not moved yet but they were so eager to be seen they had to step out before the show started. The theatre is rented, tickets sold, and seats filled and the curtain lifts. There were clearly opportunities to practice before now but this obviously unpolished performance fumbles onward. The crowd endures until finally the curtain is called to drop. I sit reminded of how much time I do not spend in God’s word, how selfish I am with my time, and how scared I am when I am finally “on stage.” Preparedness is something I struggle with in life. I tend to ride the tide until I must make a change and at that point the work is twice as hard. God is showing me where my heart is still falling short, and my physical struggle is not aiding my much needed spiritual growth.

Q: Do you trust God to have your best interest in mind?

A: I trust that God knows what is better for me than I do since He created me and has plans for me. Where my doubts and fears lay are in the moments where I feel pushed against what my sinful heart wants to do. When God comes knocking, I think it is important to open the door but that is easier said that done lately. I know what I should do but I lean into comfort. Romans 7: 19-20 talks about this. “I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.” Paul goes on to explain that He loves God’s law but is still a slave to sin and that Jesus is the answer to this conundrum. I am nervous that I am falling back into sinful ways, but I feel strongly that this is common on a walk with Jesus. However, I am concerned this puts distance between God and myself. He showed me that there was a crack in the walls to my city that I overlooked it as a small detail and is now a gapping whole for the enemy. I am told to retreat to the name of the Lord in these moments as encouraged in Proverbs 18:10. I can trust God at His word regardless of my own shortcomings. He is the only one I can fully trust.

The Live Ones Hurt

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This past week I felt a dryness to I have never experienced before. For those who live around me, they will immediately perk up to respond with “We have had so much rain! What dryness?!” Even though everything around me was soaked, spiritually I was experiencing a separation from God for reasons I was unable to ascertain on my own that left my heart cracking like a dried riverbed. A series of events led me to uncover myself hidden within a shelter of fig leaves I had built around my own heart. Keeping it from anyone and everything including God. I had noticed my poor actions prior to layering the walls with clay ridden mud because I didn’t know what to do besides keep building. The more I pondered over this reaction, the more I began to barricade myself inside with no concern of the dryness that was spreading to my full body. This dark place felt familiar and safe even though I knew it was going to be the death of me. Purposeful starvation of love seems so obviously bad for me in hindsight, but I was basking in the dry darkness that had once been my home for so long.

The factors that lead me here were only brought to the surface when I finally confessed in a mentor of mine. This was not the original plan for the conversation, but it quickly changed when he noticed my face and demeanor. Physical pain is something that has always thrown off my balance. The weather around me of consistent rain gave me a more accurate determination of the barometric pressure outside than the weather app could ever do. He asked me if what I was feeling was just physical since he noticed how awkwardly I was sitting. I swallowed my accountability pill and decided to tell him about the days prior to our meeting.

While I suffered a silent internal war of physical pain, a church group of mine had started to fall apart. Some had revoked their commitment to an open discussion conversational group based off readings inspired by and containing God’s word. This was one of my safe places with people I felt connected with through faith. A scheduling conflict arose in our group chat and that was the start of the collapse. Texts were sent and emotions were heightened for some including myself. One of the members informed us he was no longer planning to attend since he made other commitments that now did not align with the groups schedule. One of the brothers made a few comments that I was not happy to see. I felt singled out when I offered two possible ways to keep the group meeting that were meat with an assumption of me overstepping my role. This was mostly unwarranted in my mind because there were no roles or leadership positions, but he made it clear that I was not the “leader”, and I was not the one to make any decisions even though I only offered options. This disappointing outcome combined with my physical pain drove me to a dark place of anger I have not seen in several months.

So, I pulled out the contact list and dialed this brother with the plan to clear the air. To my surprise, he answered calmly. Due to my current state of mind this response fueled my anger. I demanded he explain where this tension was coming from and asserted that he was making this personal. He responded with a timid tone lined with uncertainty. Feeling justified at every turn, I reciprocated with my quick-witted responses to every “um” or “er” he made. The relentless interrogation continued for a few minutes until we both received calls from other people. Shortly thereafter, the originator of the group called me and stated that he was “just a facilitator” and agreed with some of my statements in the chat. After a few short seconds of vindication, he then informed me that he would no longer be able to attend the group due to his other commitments to another group he was with before. I felt foolish for even caring about the group. That past hour of emotions felt like a waste to me at this point.

Unsure of how to proceed, I reached out to another good friend who was in a similar group. As far as I had gone down that angry path, I knew I needed help and just kept talking until he heard something he could point out to me. He proposed I prayed over this and advised that I should ponder over if I was projecting my feelings on others. This made a lot of sense. I have always struggled with feeling accepted or respected. Anger has been a problem for me in the not-so-distant past so of course I am in this place right now. Meditation superseded the calls. I thought about my words, my intent, my actions, and my emotions. I did not use harsh language at any point, but over the phone my tone was shaped like a spear that was being hurled through the strength of mild manner vernacular poisoned with ill intent. The transcript would appear like a rose with thorns, but unbeknownst to the reader those thorns were surreptitiously brushed with tetrodotoxin. This realization of my poor reactions was followed up with an apology which was immediately met with forgiveness from that brother, but I still felt out of place. “Where was it coming from?” I asked myself. “I thought I was doing better. Why am I failing myself?… Why am I failing God!?”

For several days I laid in the carcass of my own ego and expectation. The physical pain had me locked into a trap of anguish and my mental health was following suit. So, I withdrew. I hid myself not knowing what I truly felt. I was lacking direction and choosing to not feel anything. I built that shelter around my heart and eventually my whole self. While in there I was shriveling up slowly dying. I didn’t want anyone to see me like that, especially God. While working, I was short tempered, irritable, and volatile. The people I was supposed to serve with love were getting doused in gasoline with every question they asked with no idea that a lighter could be thrown at any time. Awareness of these unchecked emotions spilling into my work life caused me to panic and start filling the cracks in the wall with whatever I could find and eventually withdrawing further into emptiness. The next day is when I was scheduled a meeting with my mentor.

While in his office, I explained all of this to him in less articulate words. He followed up with a few questions. “Is this the first time any brother has let you down on this journey?” I thought about this during the long awkward pause he left ringing in the air. I realized that this was a place I was really hurting. That hurt was from feeling rejected by my own community and the loss of the community itself. “Was this group important to you?” he asked with an understanding look. “Yes,” I replied with tears now resting upon my eyelids ready to break form down my cheek. “Are you grieving?” he asked. “Yes,” stumbled out of my mouth as I fought the crippling wave of emotions trying to overcome my stone like demeanor. In those few questions I found the words for what I need to pray for and registered that I was denying God access to my heart. I knew forgiveness was outside of my walls, but I was afraid I would hurt someone else or give them an opportunity to hurt me if I ever left. In these moments my shelter was crumbling, and I felt the water rise from the once cracked riverbed. In four days I had experienced abandonment and loss which led to self-isolation and anger with an unknown need to grieve during one of the most physically limiting periods of my life. I cornered a brother based off an assumption of disrespect in a group chat. Emotionally, I was ignoring my wife and friends. At work I took out my hostility on people just needing some direction or for simply asking how my weekend was. God was pruning me to better myself and I was retreating from the pain of the event after a branch I felt was “not so bad” was loped off. Several weeks prior to this I told my mentor I thought God was punishing me and he quickly responded, “God does not punish us, he prunes us.” I smiled and said “yeah… I can see that. I am better for it.” Then he responded with words I didn’t fully understand until now. “It’s always great when he is pruning the dead branches, but the live ones hurt.” Yeah… I can see that. And I am better for it.

The Little Person

November 13, 2019 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

I have been talking to an older wiser person as of late and found them I am guilty of failing the most important person in my life. Me. He explained to me how in side of each one of us is a smaller person. This super ego was bathed in our upbringing. The conversation of nurture verses nature or how we are conditioned is what drives the personality of that little person inside of you. Are you lost yet? Well I have a few other ways of explaining how I understood this concept and where it led me on my journey thus far. Think of this little person as a seed. It is usually hard and surrounded by a firm but still softer meat/exterior. This softer shell is your current personality that has been molded by the design of the seed. Like many things in nature, nothing is usually exactly alike. Those minute differences in how the seed has set or how much water and sun it received will dictate everything about how that final product will become.

So now you get the visual concept but why does this matter? In our current upbringing we really push for external factors to please us. Likes on social media, how often you are tagged in pictures, complements, income level, etc. We are all looking at everyone else for validation. That little person is surrounded by a much more pliable and weakened surface due to these taught responses. I like when people say they are being “forged”. The concept of being tested under extreme conditions has always produced a stronger material over time. This kind of thinking will bring positivity to hardships and failures as they make you stronger than before. External confidence is great for lifting your spirits temporarily, but it really doesn’t have the same effect of the internal forging. Imagine if you could give yourself confidence and manifest your own options. That does not mean you have to be prideful and do everything alone but at the end of the day you need to have the belief that you really did give effort to something and reward yourself for every step. That last part is tremendously important to people feeling lost. When I was out of work for 2 years with an injury I never once celebrated. It sounds stupid right? Why reward myself for falling so low? It took me two years to catch up to where I was 4 years prior. I had more debt than ever before and was making less money than before my injury. It has been 6 years since that injury. So again I ask, why celebrate? Because I made it. It’s really that simple of a concept. Those other factors don’t matter when you look at what I have achieved. I overcame the most difficult part of my life. I spent 2 years with no income and crawled back into a labor-intensive work environment. Even with all the pain and suffering I have performed many shows, recorded several songs, started a podcast, learned several trades, and bought a home. The point is I was always so busy at looking at where others were in life or how they perceived me that I made the pressure and suffering harder than it needed to be. So how do we do that?

All that starts with looking inside at your little person. The most important thing about looking internally is the clarity it brings. Once you can calibrate your own vision of yourself the world around you will finally become focused. You have been walking around with bad vision your whole life asking other people who can’t see “which way do I go?” Sometimes you don’t have the courage to ask and find yourself following a mass group of people thinking you found the direction you should go while everyone still feels misplaced. Looking in the mirror is not easy for most people. The reality is you are looking at the results of your choices and the circumstance you have been dealt. Watching your actions through a third person perspective helps you understand how complacent you are. Phrases like “I don’t have time for that”, “why should I have to do it”, or “it’s too hard” will annoy you. These words should bother you. They are the sounds of complacency and it has a strong hold on those who chant its false narrative.

To achieve that clarity you have to understand what drive you and what holds you back. Comfort is a big factor. That job or person in your life seems to be good enough to just call the quits. Just hang in there and it will all work out is how comfort speaks to you. It whispers in your ear about how going to the gym or studying is not going to please you right now so why not binge watch Netflix and eat some McDonalds. The reality is that your seeking comfort because you are running from your fears. Your fears of failure or inadequacy drive you to need this comfort. Your littler person is in control when you default to this lifestyle. Understanding this will highlight when you are letting your earlier years dictate what you are doing now or if you are making progress. When I know I have to prepare for the recording studio but I decide to go to the bar with friends, spend upwards of $100, and didn’t get enough sleep on a day that I know is important is ridiculous. yet we make these poor decisions daily because we don’t understand ourselves. Self-worth comes with self-understanding which breeds self-success. Building better habits while enjoying them will bring you way more happiness in life and so will building stronger relationships with similar minded people. Many people quote the phrase “you are the sum of your 5 closest friends” or something along those lines. This is not only true but really hard to overcome. That person has been in your life for X amount of years or did this for you in the past. I am not advising you to cut everyone out of your life but think of it like this: If they aren’t filling your tank they are just using up more of your gas.

This article will really come down to a few things; you have to understand your little person, you must challenge your fears, and it is ok to fail. A lot of these things are really basic, but you are still not utilizing your knowledge of these facts to help yourself. Seeking validation on Facebook or approval on Twitter does not improve you position in life. Engaging in challenging situations and making more for yourself by targeting your goals will improve every aspect of your life. There is no way of changing your life for the better if you never take the steps to do so. Maybe you can win the lottery, but you have to play and understand the odds. When you hesitate to turn your “should do” into “will do” you leave an opening for comfort to speak up. Do not give that little person the wheel. There are no guarantees in this world, but I can personally tell you that understanding yourself and finding your own path in this life will never allow you to fail yourself more than you are right now by doing nothing. Commit to yourself and flourish.

Getting the Point Across

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Today I already failed in doing this feat. I knowingly commented my way in to a scenario where I knew I wouldn’t be a champion of changing opinions. The poster was assumed, on my part, to being okay with the idea of attacking someone based off of the red hat they wore. Yes, the great white nationalist MAGA hat sets the stage again. However they never stated this. It was inferred as such by sharing and saying ” Ppl gotta realize wearing symbols of hate out for everyone to see doesn’t always bring the results or consequences u expect.” So the inference, though logical, was my original mistake.

I am not a Trump supporter. I think the man is a symbol of how a leader can divide a country and tear open old wounds rather then letting us heal. In many ways, I do not disagree with his policies and political views. My reason for defending the people who support him was not because I stand with them, but because I feel that violence for an assumed position should be highly frowned upon.

So why would I comment knowing I would appear as a racist Trumper? I thought I could help find a little bit of a middle ground in the conversation. Maybe I could show people the that being emotional and feeling personally attacked may lead to justifying and irrational act. So getting to the point of the article… (Did you see what I did there? Its the name of the article. Yeah!) I failed to properly make my point. I felt as though I said what I felt and explained it well, but it’s simply not that easy in a social media setting.

So I decided to message some people involved in the conversation. Even though some readers felt they were “not logical”, I found that in our private chats they had many good points. So how did I get my point to a position where we finally came to an understanding? Where did we settle on our differences and feel like we had a real conversation that lead to us being “social media friends” and starting to see the other’s perspective? It was when we asked questions that had no social impact. No judgement. No pressure. Just two people holding a conversation.

So the basic jist of conversation before the private messages, it was me comparing the idea that the hat is a symbol of hate due to a connection to the man but it does not need to be that way. That a supporter of a racist is not a racist. That not all people who are assumed to be a thing are that thing. We saw this after 9/11. Middle eastern people were harshly treated after theses attacks. Their appearance was labeled fearful and a threat. I understood why ignorant people felt this way, but I disagreed with it. I still do. I understand that racist people do support Trump. This connection does not mean that all people who support the man are in fact carrying the same views on race. To have that thought process is beyond my thinking. So as they explained to me why they felt this way I understood their perspective more. But I never got my side understood.

So in the direct message to the original poster I decided we should take turns asking questions. I would ask question until we cam to my point and they would answer realistically. Following that interaction we would switch places. This individual and I have had many interactions and debates but this was the easiest way for us to find our similar views on the topic. By asking questions I was able to lead the person down my thought process. When we reached the end of the first half of the exercise I found that I felt understood. My guard could drop. That’s when I realized I was closed minded in the previous social media engagement. I was so focused on my point that I forgot theirs. So when I started answering their questions I found myself aligning with them a lot. If you take out the “but what about”s you tend to find a clear path for conversation. I used the unjust reasoning of hate for middle eastern people to show how one act or some violence can impact a whole group without due cause. I got through to the fact that not everyone can be brushed with a broad stroke. But more importantly, I was reminded that situational and environmental variables change the scope of reaction. That you can wear a black lives matter to a KKK rally but it may not bring the best outcome. That wearing red or blue in certain cities could show as a friendly or an enemy to some people. This is all accurate and it directly relates to the original post in question.

The point of this article is not to defend or attack a group of people, but to understand how to come to a civilized perspective on an issue that you may disagree with. That the path of the thought process can have you align with individuals that you assumed to not be in agreement with. At the end of the conversation I learned more than I taught. Being right is not the road to progress and open minded people can easily fall into traps of defensive wall building. Do not be afraid to converse with people you may not understand, because you might just learn something for once.