lessons – The Agape Narrative Project

My Dad’s Passing

August 10, 2023August 10, 2023 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

Before I ever knew about my Father in heaven, I knew the one that He gave me to be my earthly father, or who I would call Dad or Pops. He was, for better or for worse, my best friend and a constant in my life. People knew we had issues or disagreements at times but when you saw us together, you knew we were just alike and as he would say “best buds.”.

On Monday, August 7th of 2023, my Dad’s body was found on the floor of his childhood home but he was no longer there. After a few days of processing, answering the same questions over and over, and being around people; I have finally sat down alone and listened to some voicemails I have on my phone. Tears of joy are something that many do not have the privilege of having in these moments and I thank the Lord that I do. In one, he calls me just to check up on me and see how something turned out after I had left his house. In the last months especially, he would just call me and be a dad. “Do you need anything son? I am worried about you. If you need anything bud, give me a call.” Meanwhile my dad was suffering with all of his physical and mental ailments while fighting against nurses and family encouraging him to go to the hospital. At times he was the most stubborn person to ever exist and at other times what some would call a “saint.” He would be the most foolish and unreasonable person but he also loved that same way. My dad was the kind of man that would be barely able to survive but would offer you assistance in a time of need at the cost of himself. I thank God that this was the dad I was given. I praise the Lord that I was able to learn from what he did well and did wrong. My dad was not a perfect man but he was perfectly chosen by God to be mine.

In another voicemail, he was calling to let me know how the food I had made him turned out. Occasionally he would call me and say he just wanted some grilled food, and if anyone knows me they know I have a passion for grilling. I had dropped off some chicken and grilled corn and he had called me just to tell me that “everything was excellent.” While I can’t say I got much support for the sports I had tried out for or other hobbies, he would always make sure to say he was proud of me but would only say he liked something if he actually did. He mentions that he “never had that corn before” and he would “buy a couple bags of that.” Classic Pops. My dad was a simple man with simple joys. Especially because it was just sweet corn grilled with some extra virgin olive oil. Pops would find a new food spot and eat the same thing every time he went and would go 2-4 times a week until he got tired of it. Some of his favorite things were a cold can of coke, bad sci-fi movies, olive garden, and watching people. Every Saturday during the months they were open, he would attempt to lure me into going to his house since I lived near the bbq chicken stand he liked. He never wanted to ask for help but if I “just so happened to be going out that way… could you stop and get me some of that chicken?” And if I told him I was grilling I would get asked about what he could get from the menu.

Right after he is at the closing of his voicemail he comes back to say he also had enough for them to have two meals but then he chuckles. My heart swells up every time I hear it. That little smirk and chuckle he had reminds me of so many times we have had together. I remember playing with a can of tomato soup in the kitchen and “pretending” that it was open and I looked right at him and flipped it over my head. As I realized that the can was not pretending once I felt and saw all of the sauce run down my shirt and onto the floor. I remember he smirked and made that sound after I demanded he not tell my older brother about this. He made that sound often in those goofy moments of me being a kid as well as when he would act like the big kid he was. He would laugh and chuckle unapologetically even in the worst times and man… I miss that. Even though at some times I would have to give him a quick jab of “dad…” to let him know it was not appropriate and then he would cover his mouth and insincerely say “Oh. I am sorry.” As I grew into an adult my dad slowly went from the driver seat to the passenger seat. Pops and I had a lot of miles together and the long car rides and conversations were truly a blessing. In the last week of his time here, I told him about the promise of a new and glorified body to believers in Christ. Dad had a history of telling me to shut up when those kind of conversations came up but towards the end he asked me a lot of questions. When he heard about the new body and no more pain he looked at me and said “now THAT sounds like heaven!”

Now like any family, there were a lot of bad things as well. I have never been one to act like my dad was perfect or that my family is. We are not. I am not. But he was my dad and I miss him. I know that when I see a good deal on something he would like I will eventually forget and reach for my phone to call or text him and realize I cannot. I know that I will have life events and moments that I will want to share with him and I cannot. I know that I am also not the only person missing him and that everyone eventually has loved ones die. Many that have seen me in this time are worried because I am not responding as they would expect. There are many reasons why. My dad and I had a great relationship and I knew he loved me and that he knew I loved him. He went out how he wanted regardless of the pleading we all had made to get him more comfortable. I know he wished he did almost everything differently but I told him I did not share the same sentiments. He apologized to me and my siblings a lot in the past few months. He would look at me and say he was a failure as a dad and I would ask him what he thought of me. When he would answer me I would say “where do you think I got it from?” and he would smirk and laugh with a tear in his eye. Then we would call each other names to break the tension. I saw my dad cry more as he got older. I saw a very aggressive and angry man get softer and love his wife better over time. I saw light in him at times and I know I shared that light that God gave me with him. I do not know where my dad is now, but I know God is perfectly just, loving, merciful, and righteous. I know that I will always have a perfect Heavenly Father and that my dad was a gift. I hope that those who carry his memories will learn from his love and also unlearn the anger and unforgiveness that he regretted so much in his life. Thank you God for my dad who has passed on, and I trust you that whatever happened on that day was good, just, and loving. Thank you for the peace you have given me in this time and the joy I feel in my heart. I pray that others will have the same.

A Day at Work

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It is the day after Christmas. While many are off work today, my coworkers and I found ourselves still waking up around 4am to come into work for our shift. Prior to my arrival, the material handler delivered my purchases to restock our inventory and I started stocking first thing. I had very few disruptions and most of them were pleasant conversations that held steady smiles and ended with the customary “have a good one” in closing. I was down to the last two boxes and realized that neither of them was purchased for my department.

This is where you start to see why I am writing this.

When the material handler gets the tote in the morning there are multiple potential delivery locations inside, and I often remind him to look for the receivers’ notations on the box or to double check the purchase order paperwork since this has been a reoccurring problem. When I opened my office door to discard of some boxes I saw him leaning against his forklift eating a cup of pudding. “YO” I proclaimed to get his attention. When he approached I informed him of the wrong delivery and he took the boxes with him.

As the day goes on, I get a phone call from someone whose location was marked for one of the previously mentioned packages. He asks me why I sent the package down to his area, so I referenced the note on the paperwork stating the location. After telling me that they do not belong there I start to explain that I did not purchase them and had only the paper work to go off of. He then stated they did not belon there again and before I could offer assistance he decided to hang up on me after what I interpreted as a passive aggressive tone.

“Who does he think he is talking to!? Who does he think he is?!”

Ah. The old-self emerges. I can sense my self-righteousness and feel the need to pray. I perform a “check off prayer” asking for patience and for this person to be called by God.

After a while I decided to walk to the upper shop and brave the cold weather rather than sous vide in my anger. While walking back it made sense to stop by to speak with the person who hung up on me. Shortly after making that decision, I find myself planning my attack if this person shows anything other than what I think would be an appropriate response. I decided that I will explain that this is not how and adult acts, this is not how a man acts, this is not how a supervisor acts, and this is poor representation of a US Marine.

After a physical head nod of approval to my plan, the revelation of my hope to hurt this man is presented. I want to rob him of his character and respect. I want to minimize his personhood in every way. I am aiming to challenge his maturity, his masculinity, his title, and his pride. I am thinking about how I can gut this man emotionally and leave him bleeding. Not only that, but I hoped it would happen in front of his team so they could see the slaughter and also think less of him.

But why? Because a part of me wants the conflict. A part of me thinks I am better than him. That I would not stoop so low to disrespect someone like he did. But I am looking to do that same thing in return. In all actuality my goal is to be far worse and to publicize the event. (Notice all of the “I” statements so far)

We tend to justify a poor response if we feel betrayed or attacked. My return not only had to be worse that the action taken against me, but it had to be a “killing” blow. One that was hefty enough to make a statement. A response that would cause the passersby of what was seen or whispered about in breakrooms to make an impact. A statement needed to be made. This is all so petty, foolish, childish and disgusting. This is the reality of my pride. This is the plague of sin.

Much like the Parable of the unforgiving servant I find myself wanting to hold someone else against the fire of my wrath while I was forgiven of far worse. I am being ungrateful of the mercy shown to myself for a far more egregious act against a incomparably more righteous God. Yet here I am, a fallible man reaching for a sword over a papercut to my ego. Meanwhile Christ took up the cross for all of the sins, including mine, against a Holy(x3) God.

And this gets even deeper.

I was angry at the material handler in the same way. I got tired of reminding him of this so when he took the item to the other location, and they asked him “why?” What do you think he told them? “Oh, the nice guy at the tool crib said it went here” and that he explained the purchasing information to him. No. He probably said, “that the dick in the tool room told me it goes here.” Even though today was an acceptable communication of this mistake, historically I have not always been so forgiving in these scenarios. Now I am not responsible for how he works, reacts, or communicates, but my poor response does not influence a positive change in those areas for him. My leaning into my sinful nature does not give glory to God and I am not being the light I am called to be.

As I get closer to his area, I find myself being urged to just stop and talk with God. I shoot up another “check box prayer” and get my phone out to record the interaction in case something happens. As I walk through the door, I see him with his employees and ask about the order he called me about. As he directs me to the privacy of his office, I am both annoyed and glad that it will be a less publicized conversation. He tells me that it was notated for his area but that it was done incorrectly, was not my mistake, and that it was delivered to the correct location. Without my conflict hunger pushing more I said okay and walked out of the office. While leaving one of his workers asks me if “if I found out what I was looking for?” Instead of just saying yes, I responded “there was nothing for me to figure out.” Another showing of my need to be heard even though it was over.

Much of my poor responses end up in my writings because I feel God showing me where I need to let Him in. I feel that my failure is just a reminder that I am not Jesus but that I have Him and will always need Him. That I am not righteous but find myself being deceived into thinking I am from time to time by myself and the enemy. I know I am not the only one, so I hope it becomes contagious in the idea of self-reflecting on these moments and not allowing conviction to become shame. These situations humble me and writing them gives me a deeper understand because it is almost like the Holy Spirit is proof reading these with me. He leans in deep and pushes on areas that I look past revealing sin that I glanced over. Revealing a sin against God that I thought was nothing or was taught by this world to be acceptable. When you think of how we glance over sin but cannot overlook a mistake from a co-worker, a sassy reply from a loved one, or an expectation not met… it reveals how fallen the world is which drives me closer to God. The trick is that conviction always drives you to God and shame will direct you away. Let these lessons lead you closer to God. Lean on Him even when you think you are right because we are often wrong with how we react to being right.

Heavenly Father,

Let your mercy and grace weigh heavily on me to remind me of how vast and deep your love goes. Let me give forgiveness and love as freely as you do and to guide me daily. Help me to bring glory to you in my walk and not just in my cartwheels. Forgive me for my forgetfulness of your gospel and faithfulness. Thank you for Your Son Jesus Christ and for His work on the cross. Thank you for His resurrection and the promise of new life. It is in Jesus’ name I pray all these things. Amen.

Matthew 18:21-35

²¹Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

²²Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. ²³Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. ²⁵But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. ²⁶The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ ²⁷Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ ²⁹So his fellow servant fell down ^[a]at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you ^[b]all.’ ³⁰And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. ³¹So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. ³²Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. ³³Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ ³⁴And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

³⁵“So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother ^[c]his trespasses.”

Romans 8:1-2

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who^[a] do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.

Roadside Assistance

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Have you ever run out of gas or broke down on the side of the road? How about several times? What if you knew it was going to keep coming again and again on your trip? On this journey with God, we can sometimes get turned around or take a wrong turn. Often, I think I am heading a better route than what may have been set before me. Even though God is talking through the GPS to redirect us we can choose to hit the mute button because the route adjustments are “killing the mood.” For myself, the experience tends to cause the Lord takes out a tire or flash the check engine light while my engines rattle about. This seems to happen ever month or so on my walk with Jesus Christ. I know these seasons are for my best interest to bring Him glory, but I still get childish on the side of the road. “Why can’t I just get to where I want to go!” I scream while kicking the bumper causing the sole of my shoe to stain the paint. Then I throw my hands in the air and lean against the car while dialing up a tow truck mumbling about how lame my life can be at times. But after the 5^th or 6^th time this year, I had found myself just laying on the road next to the car just wishing I did not have to keep going.

These past few weeks I knew something was going on inside and around me. Darkness was coming like a storm, and I did not think I needed to turn to for shelter. There I stood looking the other way as the cresting storm broke over me like a wave and I was tossed about. I stumbled to my feet and was determined to get out of this cold abyss I found myself in. I did not see it at the time, but I was determined to do this on my own. This is where I failed. This is why I was here on the side of the road. After several days of loneliness, I had finally taken my prayers more seriously and expressed my confusion to God begging Him to spare me and show me what I was not seeing. He showed me my lack of obedience. My spiritual discipline had turned to an optional choice that feel far below the ranks of my own needs. I had tried to put God in 3^rd place. Loved ones were in the hospital, sickness had damaged my income, I was setting up expectations, and my validation was being divvied up to others rather than solely seeking it from my creator. I got lost in my own desires and was throwing a tantrum over the results.

With my heavy heart, slumped shoulders, and broken pride I bowed before God and told Him how unworthy I was. I expressed that I had forgotten that I was just dust and ash in this story and that through Jesus Christ I am made righteous. I may have not been pointing fingers and riding my high horse, but with just as much naivety I had thought I oversaw my life. I would say I humbled myself before God but honestly God humbled me back to the name of the Lord. I was caught up in my own self worship without my knowledge and then I turned the wisdom God had given me against myself. Accepting humility comes with its own fight. Verses like Luke 9:62 crippled me as I looked at this living word through the paradigm of my own works and not through my savior.

Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:62 (NIV)

For the past few days, I have been keeping my heart close to God’s promises because He is good, just, and holy. My car is back on the road and heading in the right direction. I may be on a scenic route that will take me longer than expected by I am going to keep going as long as I can until He sees fit for another heart check. A verse that I came across today inspired me to write this in hopes that anyone new or accustomed to this walk would find some hope through God’s word and my experience with Him. I had steered onto my own path that brought me to darkness. In that darkness I thought I could light my own way and found myself lying down in torment. I was humbled out of love and shown mercy in my folly. Next time I find myself heading towards darkness I will remember who is really driving the car. God is deserving of our worship not just because He created us, but because He is good, just, and holy.

Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.
Isaiah 50:10–11 (NIV)

Interviewing A Season

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This writing is a little abstract since it was a tool used intended for me break down my own season I am currently in. My hope is that this encourages you to ask yourself some open ended questions to respond to in an effort to evaluate your hearts current position with the Holy Spirit.

Q: What keeps you going with your faith?

A: Sometimes I feel like I am just playing the part. That I have enough information to get through the conversation but couldn’t pass the test. But then I remember all the times I felt this way before and how God has always been there for me. Certain things I have experienced or seen unfold before my eyes were just too well constructed to not have intervention. Also, having believed to have internally heard God speak is quite a powerful reminder that it will never be easy, but He will always be with me.

Q: What is your current season like?

A: Not the most joyous weeks of my life but not the worst. I am seeing a lot of people I care about in bad shape physically. Some are struggling mentally and spiritually. A few are crushing under the weight in all three areas. When one section of our life is being weighed down then the other two areas need to step up to counter the gravity change. If two areas of your life are struggling, then you better hope the one that isn’t is the spiritual side because your physical and mental strengths are limited. As we experience the crushing, we hope to come out stronger, but we struggle to find the joy in it.

As James 1:2-4 states “My brethren, count it all joy when you fall into various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces patience. But let patience have its perfect work, that you may be perfect and complete, lacking nothing.” If we could see the potential wine that will be made with the crushing we endure, it would make the process feel useful and not like a punishment. John 15:2 says, “Every branch in Me that does not bear fruit He takes away; and every branch that bears fruit He prunes, that it may bear more fruit.” Pruning is just like cutting away the split ends, so your hair grows more. Also, if God spared this pruning, He would not be loving us as the children we are to Him since in Proverbs 13:24 it states, “He who spares his rod hates his son, but he who lives him disciplines him promptly.” If God spares us the rod, then we should worry more. This all goes back to support what was previously mentioned in James. But I have kind of yammered my way into the weeds in this response.

My current season is a reminder of my old self always trying to take over. The battle with the old heart continues. I recently got to look at it from a different perspective which brought much clarity. Sitting in the theatre I see pride and ego enter stage left. The curtain has not moved yet but they were so eager to be seen they had to step out before the show started. The theatre is rented, tickets sold, and seats filled and the curtain lifts. There were clearly opportunities to practice before now but this obviously unpolished performance fumbles onward. The crowd endures until finally the curtain is called to drop. I sit reminded of how much time I do not spend in God’s word, how selfish I am with my time, and how scared I am when I am finally “on stage.” Preparedness is something I struggle with in life. I tend to ride the tide until I must make a change and at that point the work is twice as hard. God is showing me where my heart is still falling short, and my physical struggle is not aiding my much needed spiritual growth.

Q: Do you trust God to have your best interest in mind?

A: I trust that God knows what is better for me than I do since He created me and has plans for me. Where my doubts and fears lay are in the moments where I feel pushed against what my sinful heart wants to do. When God comes knocking, I think it is important to open the door but that is easier said that done lately. I know what I should do but I lean into comfort. Romans 7: 19-20 talks about this. “I want to do what is good, but I don’t. I don’t want to do what is wrong, but I do it anyway. But if I do what I don’t want to do, I am not really the one doing wrong; it is sin living in me that does it.” Paul goes on to explain that He loves God’s law but is still a slave to sin and that Jesus is the answer to this conundrum. I am nervous that I am falling back into sinful ways, but I feel strongly that this is common on a walk with Jesus. However, I am concerned this puts distance between God and myself. He showed me that there was a crack in the walls to my city that I overlooked it as a small detail and is now a gapping whole for the enemy. I am told to retreat to the name of the Lord in these moments as encouraged in Proverbs 18:10. I can trust God at His word regardless of my own shortcomings. He is the only one I can fully trust.

Forged Through Forgiveness

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Is it hard for you to forgive someone? How about asking for forgiveness from someone else? Which one is harder for you? First thought for most would be forgiving another. The thoughts of those who wronged, slighted, deserted, or abused you comes to mind. Those strong and painful memories come up for me while I am drafting. Those failed expectations to meet basic requirements of upholding ones responsibility combined with a lack of remorse or an unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing burns inside like a fire. One person might show up in your mind repeatedly fueling the raging fire within. How could they (this) or how dare they (that), may echo throughout your mind. We may even feel justified for some or all of the actions we made in response to their betrayal. While you’re probably flashing back and forth between reading this and gazing at the inferno, can I tell you that you make or made someone else feel this same way?

That fire died down a little didn’t it? We are so quick to point the finger and judge others that we do not notice the scorch marks we left in other people’s lives. Think of all the fires you have started and walked away from without ever saying “I am sorry” let alone asking to be forgiven. Sometimes we have even rushed a lackluster apology to get out of the situation before they smelled the smoke leaving them to tend to the fire all in an effort that we could feel blameless for the results. Are you owning up to your wrong doings or do you lack that same humility you wish others had?

So, why don’t we ask to be forgiven? Is it a fear of giving control over to someone else? Well, if that was the case, then we should be the ones to forgive ourselves, right? In my experiences and through conversations with others, that is even harder to do. If we had full control of this process, then wouldn’t that shame or guilt we hold onto no longer be an issue? Therapists would be in way less demand now a days. On the other hand, some “forgive” themselves too quickly never actually learning what they did wrong and leaving a trail of fires in their wake leaving them feeling isolated and desperate for those “real” relationships. Whether it is the shame, guilt, or hiding from our feelings the result is typically the same. We fill the void with something else, whether it be alcohol, weed, drugs, or any other culturally acceptable addiction. So, we do a pretty bad job of forgiving ourselves so let us circle back to, why not just go to the person we wronged? Maybe it is a fear of rejection. What if they don’t forgive us? What if they are still mad at us? Do we want to walk into the room we set ablaze? If we end up with shame or guilt as a possibility what was the point? The point, is humility.

Earlier, when thinking of those who have wronged you, the ember left by a previous memory was growing into a wildfire since we gave it oxygen and fuel, but humility stoked that fire when mentioning that we are no better. Those that are forgiven are more likely to forgive others. Don’t believe me? Start forgiving others and see the results for yourself. This is not only a great example of how God’s grace impacts our lives but how we can unhook ourselves from the anchors of shame through Jesus. Recently, I was about to be engulfed by flames and God used that fire to prune me. A good friend and I were both being hardheaded, and everyone knows that when two stones clash a spark can be made. This spark landed on a dry haystack of memories piled up in a dark corner of my mind. My response, regardless of how justified I may have felt at the time, was poor and unacceptable. As we started to argue I could feel my words and his inciting the fire more and more. Next thing I knew, I was standing up and threw something at his hands while yelling over him to express dominance. As the fires grew so did my volume and my words were like a volley of flaming arrows impacting him as well as the other 3 people in the room. As I approached a line that our relationship may have never recovered from, my wife said my name. This snapped me out of the anger long enough to see the faces of everyone around me. My rage was not as isolated as I had thought and now I saw the casualties of my battle. I sat down ashamed of myself and then the comments continued from the other hardheaded person in the room. I looked at my wife and asked her “am I supposed to just sit here and take this?!” and that flame was coming right back up my throat. I believe the Holy Spirit talked directly through my wife and said “Yes. Yes, you are.”

After a few minutes had passed I was still in shock. What have I done? Why have I reacted this way? I am supposed to be a man of God and I… I was ready to have a physical altercation with my friend over a board game. Yes, I said board game. I felt the Lord telling me that I should apologize but I was defiant at first thinking that the other party should apologize to me first. Two things came to mind. First, I thought of Jesus. All that He had done for me and how He had forgiven me. The price He paid for me and how I was cheapening that sacrifice. Secondly, I was thinking of Mark 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I prayed for help to swallow my pride and then apologized to my friend in front of the group. He forgave me right away and I later apologized to every person at the table separately. The next day was a quiet day for me. I remember my wife asking me if I was okay, but I was in a counseling session with the Holy Spirit. Much like after a fire, there was a lot to clean up. The soot and smoke damage is one thing but so is the water damage from the rescue. I walked into that once dark corner and saw all the potential damage that could have happened had the fire hit the gas line behind the wall. I saw how close I was to that proverbial line that could have really cost me. God spent 4 days with me cleaning up my mess but that new corner is better than ever thanks to Him.

So, who can we give the power to forgive? The same person who gives us the strength to forgive. Who else could we trust with the power and weight of this responsibility other than the only one to ever be righteous and holy? No one else has paid the price for our sins and we could never afford the bill anyway. The Gospel has a way of penetrating through all the darkest spots of our lives if we just let Jesus in. It may seem foreign to some, but that conflict was used to humble me and has increased my relationship with those involved and God. Do you want to let go of the shame or guilt? Do you want to be forged through forgiveness? If you want true strength and freedom then just ask for Jesus to come into your life.

Getting in Position

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Practice makes perfect is a common phrase heard in any training scenario. We all know that if we continue to push past our aches and doubts, we can achieve immense things beyond our original expectations. We are shown this through all forms of media including movies, books, video games, sports, and more. But I have found, in my own experiences and those who share with me, when we are walking with God, seldom do we feel as though we are up to the task or that we are making any advancement. The common method of seeing God as a transactional vending machine of our own will and desires within the confines of His law has sullied our ability to hear Him or fully have faith in God’s plan over our own agenda. This is common amongst the most attended church goers along with those who are just opening the door to Jesus. Once we hit a snag, the stumble that may not lead to a fall could result in an about face from the only thing we know can give us joy. With the knowledge of perseverance producing results, we still find ourselves running on the field while it feels like the game just happens around us.

Recently, I came to understand it in a way like American football. The quarterback has asked me to run out 4 yards and make a left slant and to be in position and available to catch the ball. The huddle breaks and I sprint to the line eager to make an impact. “Hike” catches me off guard and I panic and just play defense in hopes to protect the ball. The whistle blows and I hear “same play” as I run back to the line reminding myself of the play. The second snap is made but I ran too short, hooked left, and the ball is thrown to someone else. In my arrogantly dutiful mood, I shake my head and get back in line. “Same play” is said again in the brief huddle. I run an almost perfect route, but my focus was on the route and not the ball, so it was thrown to someone who was available. Now frustrated with myself I wait for another play to be called but again I hear “same play.” I slowly walk to the line convicted to do it perfect. I run out 4 yards and slant left all while keeping my mind on the gameplan but instead, a run up the middle scores us another few yards. At this point when I get to the huddle I am irked and frustrated. I hear “same play” and throw my hands in the air and think why do I bother. I run that route a few more times with no passes coming my way. Convinced that the defense is on to my route, I decide to make my own routes for the rest of the drive.

Down after down I feel less like a part of the team and eventually the quarterback pulls me aside. “What is wrong?” he asks as I throw my helmet down and sit on the bench. “You are not doing what you said! You said YOU were going to throw ME the ball” I exclaim with fury. He sits down next to me and asks me “have you not noticed all the gains we have made? We just scored and you are pouting. When did I tell you I would throw it to you?” “You said if I ran out 4 yards and slanted left you would pass me the ball” I mumble as he puts his arm around me. “Did I tell you that you had to be in position and available?” he asks, and my head drops down. “Yes, but..” falls from my lips as he slaps me on the back and throws me my helmet saying “get ready. We are up.”

Often, we find ourselves thinking we are in position and available when we are not. This has caused us to doubt God’s promises since it is not meeting the expectation we have set with our own agenda in mind. For some, this leads to running their own routes like I have recently. When I was younger, I turned away from God for the same exact reasons. With our corrupted nature this is not something we just read or experience once without repetition but with due diligence and perseverance combined with the guiding hand of God and strong community of believers we will progress with Christ. The next time we ask ourselves why we are not hearing God or feeling the Holy Spirit as robustly as previously experienced, do not make assumptions but ask yourself if you are available to Him and in position.

What Are We Waiting For?

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One thing I know for certain, is God seeks us with immense patience and love. Earlier in my journey to accept God back in my life, I had asked one of my mentors a question thinking it would take a while to answer. I could not imagine there would be such a clear concise response when so many people have claimed there is no evidence of God. I asked him, “what do you hold on to that makes you so sure this is all real? What keeps you believing?” He responded after only one deep breath and said, “the tomb was empty.” The interesting part about my mentor’s response was that it appeared he knew I was going to ask this question. He also knew I was not really questioning God’s existence but pleading with him for something my simple brain could process so my heart could seek God. This is akin to giving a dog a chew toy so you could cut the dogs nails.

God is currently walking me through a trial that I thought I understood fully. A man came to me after finding out about my faith and told me he has trouble forgiving God for taking his son. After a few minutes he explained he knew it was not that God killed him, but he was allowed to be taken for reasons that may have been for the benefit for both. I was humbled to see this type of response, but I knew we were not out of the woods yet. As the conversation continued, he stated he was the last of his friend group, which was filled with addiction and violence, but believed he was the worst of all of them. I asked him how he found God in his life, and he claimed God saved him from the depths of hell. I replied that God must really love him so why are you hiding from him? This is when he finally told me what was really keeping him from growing closer to God. This large man looked at me while fighting back the tears and said, “I don’t deserve to be saved” and my heart floated into my throat.

This writing is not about this man who spoke to me but the heart of many of us that suffer with this same acceptance of the gift of Jesus. To the ones who feel too broken or previously wicked that they cannot accept this sacrifice. As a reminder you are going to fail along the way, and we can always reach back out to our savior, but the death of Christ was not the true feat. His death was not what his disciples preached about after his resurrection. They preached about the resurrection because that was the fulfilled promise. God promised us a new heart and life. Ezekiel 36:36 says, “And I will give you a new heart, and a new spirit I will put within you. And I will remove the heart of stone from your flesh and give you a heart of flesh.” John 3: 3 Jesus answered him, “Truly, truly, I say to you, unless one is born again he cannot see the kingdom of God.” 2 Corinthians 5:17 Therefore, if anyone is in Christ, he is a new creation. The old has passed away; behold, the new has come. Romans 6:4 We were buried therefore with him by baptism into death, in order that, just as Christ was raised from the dead by the glory of the Father, we too might walk in newness of life. All these directly point to the idea that we are not who we once were after we accept Christ. To reject the death because we feel unworthy is to deny yourself the life Jesus died for you to have. I am by no means saying forget about the sacrifice. The blood of Jesus washes over us to absolve us from our sins but let us look at it a little differently.

George Herbert authored a poem titled ‘The Sacrifice’ which helped me understand the beauty in God’s plan after the fall of man. O all ye who passe by, behold and see; Man stole the fruit, But I must climb the tree; The tree of life to all, but onely me. When the serpent told Eve, she would not surely die from eating from the forbidden fruit and they ate, the doubt of God’s integrity was cast upon all humans’ hearts in a hereditary like fashion. This explains why we must choose God and why no one is default in that heart posture. Adam ate from the tree, so how does God fix it? He sends His son to climb another tree and take the full weight of our sins for us. With the resurrection we see the gift of new life fulfilled. This came full circle to me earlier this weekend after I spoke with the man I previously mentioned who was battling with not feeling worthy of God’s love and Jesus’ sacrifice. When it was presented to me, I realized it started with man and a tree, was solved with man and a tree, and how do we know it was true? The tomb was empty. The sacrifice was made, and the gift was delivered. All we must do is open our hearts to accept it and be renewed by it. As someone who also struggles with feeling undeserving of God’s love, I can say with the utmost certainty that we are all sinners saved by grace. We may not deserve it, but God loves us and that is why it is called a gift. With the acceptance of this gift comes the death of our own sin so we can live the new life we were designed to live. The answer to all the questions about life’s meaning, purpose, and destiny are all within the acceptance of that gift. So, for anyone who wants a fresh start or hopes to find their calling, I simply ask what are you waiting for?

The Mountain or The Mole Hill?

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To some, my bold perspective and words carry such confidence that my conviction is seen as a mountain of faith with a mighty river of wisdom. To others, my squawking and babbling is more like a mole hill next to run off from the neighbor’s leaky hose. The difference between those responses is not my words but how one’s spirit and soul will receive them. Recently I chose to focus on my calling in life. God’s plan for me is to council others by giving them hope and taking their shame. To show them they have a choice of a fulfilling life. My prayers have lately been lathered with eagerness to serve and soaked in my commitment to excel. Two days ago, I met with four brothers over two different meetings. I listened more than I spoke in the first meeting and did the opposite in the second. God has been reminding me of why I have two ears and one mouth, so I have been doing my best to follow that advice which did not come naturally for me. After my day was done, I was praying for even more to put on my plate to keep my mission active.

The next morning, a brother of mine texted me to tell me he hopes I find rest in my current season of life. I took offense to this concern. “I don’t want rest for I am eager for battle” came to my mind. This brother knows I have walked a painful life with many dark battles. Those who know of my life see me as either a battle-hardened hero born of war or an irresponsible child whose family is a casualty of that same war. That text message caught me off-guard which allowed me to fall into an old trap by the enemy. “He sees me as weak” came to mind which I could not let slide. So, I quickly told him I was not only unwary but thirsty for more. A short while later, my feelings still lingered but the thought crossed my mind that maybe I was overreacting. Maybe, but probably not. I replied letting him know that he could have some insight that I was blind to and thanked him for thinking of me.

As the day progressed, I woke up to my wife reminding me that I should not oversleep since I needed to wake up early for work. So, I got up and made a pot of coffee to keep me alert until bedtime. The next morning I heard a sermon that referenced Hebrews 11:24 “By faith Moses, when he had grown up, refused to be called the son of Pharaoh’s daughter” (NASB 1977). This intrigued me since the pastor was specifically talking about the wording of “grown up” in the verse so I meditated on it for a short time. Out of nowhere I get this revelation. I am not as grown up as I thought I was. That reaction I had to the resting text message exposed me to be callow. I was putting a hero complex on like a plastic badge from the dollar store and thought I had authority. The reality is that at times, even with solid advice and good intentions, I can really act like a child with a sword. God was entertaining my juvenility for a while, but it was about time someone showed me I was a danger to myself or others with how I was wielding this weapon. With knowledge comes power, and with power comes responsibility. I must slow down and grow up to do the mission I asked for. Now I am left with one question: Do I want to take the time to become that hero on the mountain or does this child just want to play on the mole hill?

The Cost of Living

November 1, 2019 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

I enjoy listening to both sides of an argument and even defending both sides depending on my company so we can start from the same understanding. Due to this annoying strategy I have many people send me articles to read about things we have previously discussed or debated. Recently it was an article with a headline similar to “a person making minimum has to work 2.5 full time jobs to have their own place.” So let’s talk about the real story from my perspective from talking to both sides.

We will begin with where I support this argument. We live in a time where everything is going up in cost. Technology seems more necessary for our always quickening lifestyles and demands from society. Simply paying for a roof over your head is not the end of your bills. Cellphones are nearly required as well as internet which all adds more cost to your utilities. Before and during the mid 1900’s the average single income was sufficient to sustain a family of 3 due to lower costs of living, higher pay ratios, and lower demands from technology. Things have definitely changed since then. I will use my state of Pennsylvania (PA for short) as an example. Since 2005 the average income per household has been resting between 56k to 59k with a lot of drops in between. Within that same time period we saw gas prices hit $1 near the year 2000 for the first time and more than quadruple in 2007/2008. As a reminder, the average PA income did not change much in this time.

So how is single person or family supposed to manage a higher ration of outcome to income than ever before? Yes gas prices have slightly improved but as previously stated the ratio of dropping close to $3 dollars instead of over $4 is still not getting us back down to before the year 2000 and we are not seeing an increase in pay. No one is being paid less but the are being charged more. As a country we should strive for a minimum that allows someone the opportunity to actually have ownership of their lives and not stress about how they will eat or get to work the next day. Talking to people living below paycheck to paycheck or those being neglected by the systems that were put in place to support them in a time of need is infuriating. What doe is say about us when we just let them suffer and do not defend them?

Now to discuss the other side. The article clearly stated 2.5 full time jobs at minimum wage. MINIMUM WAGE. If you are accepting the minimum of anything in life than you need to find some motivation. This per hour or salary amount does not define you but it does allow you to do the things you would like to do. This sounds harsh but you intrinsically have value as a human life, however you do not get financial pay outs for that value of just being here. As a member of a society you are paid for the work you do and you should strive for a bigger part of that pie for both your needs and for you wants. You do not need the brand new iphone 15 xrvr maxx pro with 6 cameras and a otter box that costs more than my mortgage. Eating out is a privilege and not a right. Driving is a privilege and not a right. A gigabit connection on you ps5 and the new call of duty 7 in not a right. That bar tab, new pair of Jordans, those cigarettes, etc. are not rights granted to you. There are avenues besides the fast food chains and retail stores that only give you over priced insurance and a lousy pay. They may take more work to achieve but always remember you can take those skills else where. Home depot won’t give you $15 per hour… apply to Lowe’s and they will probably pay you more than them. Your job in fabrication is giving you a hard time and not letting you work overtime… go to linkedIn and make contacts to get where you want to be in life. If your outcome is greater than your income than you should have paid more attention in math class and thought about your spending habits. When you settle for low pay you have to deal with less in life. Now this has been the tough love part of the course for those who CHOOSE to have these low income jobs and are still demand free shit or a home just for existing.

Now we come to the combination conversation or exclusions. Exclusions would be examples like having to care for a family member, being disabled, etc. These things are usually not planned for and are usually not choices but forced upon you. These scenarios are not the topic of debate in this article and most would agree should have some government involved intervention for the welfare of those individuals. Moving on… There is a big difference between surviving and succeeding. I have personally found myself just doing what I needed to survive. I was failing to make ends meet and priorities were made. Bills were neglected, food was scarce, things were sold, laws were broken, and I went from a nice apartment in the good area to a 10×8 room with my wife and dog in a less desirable setting. Fortunately we had some financial help from family but it was minuscule and we were expected to do our part under the roof we lived. We had no income whatsoever. I was out of work with a severe back injury and was unable to stand for more than 10 mins and my wife was fired without the ability to collect unemployment. Many have had it worse and I do not diminish their struggle or ask that we compare our low points. Those in these situations are doing whatever they need to do to survive. The issue arrives when someone who is blatantly capable of more and refuses to participate while still expecting the same as those putting forth the effort is where I draw a clear line.

The single mother or father with three kids have made some mistakes a long the way. Judge me for that statement as much as you like but having spoken to many people in this scenario they will all tell you the same if they are being honest. A man recently told me he would have to leave his 2 sons at home by themselves (one was old enough in theory about 7) for 5 days a week so that he could work over 5.5 hours away because that was where he could make enough to manage the bills. Though this is not ideal it was the best thing for his family and he planned to move up in the company. After 2 years of struggling in that lifestyle he finally got a better opportunity and was able to start catching up and even succeeding.

That brings us to another point about single incomes. This economy is not made for a single earner income anymore. Currently there is a social trend of no relationships in this country. The benefits of a bachelor/bachelorette lifestyle may have its own perks but that is an easier choice than actual commitment. Just speaking from the financial topic you can double your household income by finding a partner in life that you can grow with. It is still possible to do well financially alone but it statistically hasn’t been that way in a long enough time that we need to stop comparing the two time periods. I’m not telling you to settle at any point in this article. You do not need to marry someone just to move out. There is always a platonic option but I would recommend moving out with a significant other that you could spend a good portion of your life with even without the rings. Leases can always be broken and decisions can be short term. We need to remember that we can only control ourselves and what we do in most circumstances. If you want to get to C then you need to do A and B first. The idea that you can circumvent the obstacles, though possible, is not how you you will realistically improve your conditions. Are their people out there living in excess that could maybe pay more to their employees? Absolutely. Is working in a kitchen or in customer service hard work and not very rewarding. 100%. Does it suck you need to make hard choices that will impact you forever in hopes of a better life? Duh.

This isn’t about us really re-evaluating the cost of living but how much we will settle. I see many parents-to-be struggling to plan out finances. In the end they almost always find a way to make it work. When ever I fall behind or fall back into survival mode I always make it to the next day. Take the anger you have for you lack of pay and direct the questions back to yourself. Instead of “how can ____ pay me so little” or “why should ____ make/have more than me” think about why you aren’t doing more for yourself or your family to improve your income. The system is broken and does not plan on getting better. That sentiment is not lost on either side of the conversation. Whether you take the more liberal or conservative stance both will usually agree. This economy is currently the way it is and we will have to make due for now. We will not change it overnight and I am not saying just accept your role without question, but start with what you actually can control which is your own decisions. After you finish surviving appreciate that you have accomplished more because you were driven. Don’t stop there and fight for the next piece of the pie. It’s true not everyone will be rich financially but there is more to life than income and more at stake that your materialistic desires. Make this life what you want of it and stop asking others to do it for you.