growth – The Agape Narrative Project

A Day at Work

It is the day after Christmas. While many are off work today, my coworkers and I found ourselves still waking up around 4am to come into work for our shift. Prior to my arrival, the material handler delivered my purchases to restock our inventory and I started stocking first thing. I had very few disruptions and most of them were pleasant conversations that held steady smiles and ended with the customary “have a good one” in closing. I was down to the last two boxes and realized that neither of them was purchased for my department.

This is where you start to see why I am writing this.

When the material handler gets the tote in the morning there are multiple potential delivery locations inside, and I often remind him to look for the receivers’ notations on the box or to double check the purchase order paperwork since this has been a reoccurring problem. When I opened my office door to discard of some boxes I saw him leaning against his forklift eating a cup of pudding. “YO” I proclaimed to get his attention. When he approached I informed him of the wrong delivery and he took the boxes with him.

As the day goes on, I get a phone call from someone whose location was marked for one of the previously mentioned packages. He asks me why I sent the package down to his area, so I referenced the note on the paperwork stating the location. After telling me that they do not belong there I start to explain that I did not purchase them and had only the paper work to go off of. He then stated they did not belon there again and before I could offer assistance he decided to hang up on me after what I interpreted as a passive aggressive tone.

“Who does he think he is talking to!? Who does he think he is?!”

Ah. The old-self emerges. I can sense my self-righteousness and feel the need to pray. I perform a “check off prayer” asking for patience and for this person to be called by God.

After a while I decided to walk to the upper shop and brave the cold weather rather than sous vide in my anger. While walking back it made sense to stop by to speak with the person who hung up on me. Shortly after making that decision, I find myself planning my attack if this person shows anything other than what I think would be an appropriate response. I decided that I will explain that this is not how and adult acts, this is not how a man acts, this is not how a supervisor acts, and this is poor representation of a US Marine.

After a physical head nod of approval to my plan, the revelation of my hope to hurt this man is presented. I want to rob him of his character and respect. I want to minimize his personhood in every way. I am aiming to challenge his maturity, his masculinity, his title, and his pride. I am thinking about how I can gut this man emotionally and leave him bleeding. Not only that, but I hoped it would happen in front of his team so they could see the slaughter and also think less of him.

But why? Because a part of me wants the conflict. A part of me thinks I am better than him. That I would not stoop so low to disrespect someone like he did. But I am looking to do that same thing in return. In all actuality my goal is to be far worse and to publicize the event. (Notice all of the “I” statements so far)

We tend to justify a poor response if we feel betrayed or attacked. My return not only had to be worse that the action taken against me, but it had to be a “killing” blow. One that was hefty enough to make a statement. A response that would cause the passersby of what was seen or whispered about in breakrooms to make an impact. A statement needed to be made. This is all so petty, foolish, childish and disgusting. This is the reality of my pride. This is the plague of sin.

Much like the Parable of the unforgiving servant I find myself wanting to hold someone else against the fire of my wrath while I was forgiven of far worse. I am being ungrateful of the mercy shown to myself for a far more egregious act against a incomparably more righteous God. Yet here I am, a fallible man reaching for a sword over a papercut to my ego. Meanwhile Christ took up the cross for all of the sins, including mine, against a Holy(x3) God.

And this gets even deeper.

I was angry at the material handler in the same way. I got tired of reminding him of this so when he took the item to the other location, and they asked him “why?” What do you think he told them? “Oh, the nice guy at the tool crib said it went here” and that he explained the purchasing information to him. No. He probably said, “that the dick in the tool room told me it goes here.” Even though today was an acceptable communication of this mistake, historically I have not always been so forgiving in these scenarios. Now I am not responsible for how he works, reacts, or communicates, but my poor response does not influence a positive change in those areas for him. My leaning into my sinful nature does not give glory to God and I am not being the light I am called to be.

As I get closer to his area, I find myself being urged to just stop and talk with God. I shoot up another “check box prayer” and get my phone out to record the interaction in case something happens. As I walk through the door, I see him with his employees and ask about the order he called me about. As he directs me to the privacy of his office, I am both annoyed and glad that it will be a less publicized conversation. He tells me that it was notated for his area but that it was done incorrectly, was not my mistake, and that it was delivered to the correct location. Without my conflict hunger pushing more I said okay and walked out of the office. While leaving one of his workers asks me if “if I found out what I was looking for?” Instead of just saying yes, I responded “there was nothing for me to figure out.” Another showing of my need to be heard even though it was over.

Much of my poor responses end up in my writings because I feel God showing me where I need to let Him in. I feel that my failure is just a reminder that I am not Jesus but that I have Him and will always need Him. That I am not righteous but find myself being deceived into thinking I am from time to time by myself and the enemy. I know I am not the only one, so I hope it becomes contagious in the idea of self-reflecting on these moments and not allowing conviction to become shame. These situations humble me and writing them gives me a deeper understand because it is almost like the Holy Spirit is proof reading these with me. He leans in deep and pushes on areas that I look past revealing sin that I glanced over. Revealing a sin against God that I thought was nothing or was taught by this world to be acceptable. When you think of how we glance over sin but cannot overlook a mistake from a co-worker, a sassy reply from a loved one, or an expectation not met… it reveals how fallen the world is which drives me closer to God. The trick is that conviction always drives you to God and shame will direct you away. Let these lessons lead you closer to God. Lean on Him even when you think you are right because we are often wrong with how we react to being right.

Heavenly Father,

Let your mercy and grace weigh heavily on me to remind me of how vast and deep your love goes. Let me give forgiveness and love as freely as you do and to guide me daily. Help me to bring glory to you in my walk and not just in my cartwheels. Forgive me for my forgetfulness of your gospel and faithfulness. Thank you for Your Son Jesus Christ and for His work on the cross. Thank you for His resurrection and the promise of new life. It is in Jesus’ name I pray all these things. Amen.

Matthew 18:21-35

²¹Then Peter came to Him and said, “Lord, how often shall my brother sin against me, and I forgive him? Up to seven times?”

²²Jesus said to him, “I do not say to you, up to seven times, but up to seventy times seven. ²³Therefore the kingdom of heaven is like a certain king who wanted to settle accounts with his servants. ²⁴And when he had begun to settle accounts, one was brought to him who owed him ten thousand talents. ²⁵But as he was not able to pay, his master commanded that he be sold, with his wife and children and all that he had, and that payment be made. ²⁶The servant therefore fell down before him, saying, ‘Master, have patience with me, and I will pay you all.’ ²⁷Then the master of that servant was moved with compassion, released him, and forgave him the debt.

²⁸“But that servant went out and found one of his fellow servants who owed him a hundred denarii; and he laid hands on him and took him by the throat, saying, ‘Pay me what you owe!’ ²⁹So his fellow servant fell down ^[a]at his feet and begged him, saying, ‘Have patience with me, and I will pay you ^[b]all.’ ³⁰And he would not, but went and threw him into prison till he should pay the debt. ³¹So when his fellow servants saw what had been done, they were very grieved, and came and told their master all that had been done. ³²Then his master, after he had called him, said to him, ‘You wicked servant! I forgave you all that debt because you begged me. ³³Should you not also have had compassion on your fellow servant, just as I had pity on you?’ ³⁴And his master was angry, and delivered him to the torturers until he should pay all that was due to him.

³⁵“So My heavenly Father also will do to you if each of you, from his heart, does not forgive his brother ^[c]his trespasses.”

Romans 8:1-2

There is therefore now no condemnation to those who are in Christ Jesus, who^[a] do not walk according to the flesh, but according to the Spirit. ²For the law of the Spirit of life in Christ Jesus has made me free from the law of sin and death.

Forged Through Forgiveness

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Is it hard for you to forgive someone? How about asking for forgiveness from someone else? Which one is harder for you? First thought for most would be forgiving another. The thoughts of those who wronged, slighted, deserted, or abused you comes to mind. Those strong and painful memories come up for me while I am drafting. Those failed expectations to meet basic requirements of upholding ones responsibility combined with a lack of remorse or an unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing burns inside like a fire. One person might show up in your mind repeatedly fueling the raging fire within. How could they (this) or how dare they (that), may echo throughout your mind. We may even feel justified for some or all of the actions we made in response to their betrayal. While you’re probably flashing back and forth between reading this and gazing at the inferno, can I tell you that you make or made someone else feel this same way?

That fire died down a little didn’t it? We are so quick to point the finger and judge others that we do not notice the scorch marks we left in other people’s lives. Think of all the fires you have started and walked away from without ever saying “I am sorry” let alone asking to be forgiven. Sometimes we have even rushed a lackluster apology to get out of the situation before they smelled the smoke leaving them to tend to the fire all in an effort that we could feel blameless for the results. Are you owning up to your wrong doings or do you lack that same humility you wish others had?

So, why don’t we ask to be forgiven? Is it a fear of giving control over to someone else? Well, if that was the case, then we should be the ones to forgive ourselves, right? In my experiences and through conversations with others, that is even harder to do. If we had full control of this process, then wouldn’t that shame or guilt we hold onto no longer be an issue? Therapists would be in way less demand now a days. On the other hand, some “forgive” themselves too quickly never actually learning what they did wrong and leaving a trail of fires in their wake leaving them feeling isolated and desperate for those “real” relationships. Whether it is the shame, guilt, or hiding from our feelings the result is typically the same. We fill the void with something else, whether it be alcohol, weed, drugs, or any other culturally acceptable addiction. So, we do a pretty bad job of forgiving ourselves so let us circle back to, why not just go to the person we wronged? Maybe it is a fear of rejection. What if they don’t forgive us? What if they are still mad at us? Do we want to walk into the room we set ablaze? If we end up with shame or guilt as a possibility what was the point? The point, is humility.

Earlier, when thinking of those who have wronged you, the ember left by a previous memory was growing into a wildfire since we gave it oxygen and fuel, but humility stoked that fire when mentioning that we are no better. Those that are forgiven are more likely to forgive others. Don’t believe me? Start forgiving others and see the results for yourself. This is not only a great example of how God’s grace impacts our lives but how we can unhook ourselves from the anchors of shame through Jesus. Recently, I was about to be engulfed by flames and God used that fire to prune me. A good friend and I were both being hardheaded, and everyone knows that when two stones clash a spark can be made. This spark landed on a dry haystack of memories piled up in a dark corner of my mind. My response, regardless of how justified I may have felt at the time, was poor and unacceptable. As we started to argue I could feel my words and his inciting the fire more and more. Next thing I knew, I was standing up and threw something at his hands while yelling over him to express dominance. As the fires grew so did my volume and my words were like a volley of flaming arrows impacting him as well as the other 3 people in the room. As I approached a line that our relationship may have never recovered from, my wife said my name. This snapped me out of the anger long enough to see the faces of everyone around me. My rage was not as isolated as I had thought and now I saw the casualties of my battle. I sat down ashamed of myself and then the comments continued from the other hardheaded person in the room. I looked at my wife and asked her “am I supposed to just sit here and take this?!” and that flame was coming right back up my throat. I believe the Holy Spirit talked directly through my wife and said “Yes. Yes, you are.”

After a few minutes had passed I was still in shock. What have I done? Why have I reacted this way? I am supposed to be a man of God and I… I was ready to have a physical altercation with my friend over a board game. Yes, I said board game. I felt the Lord telling me that I should apologize but I was defiant at first thinking that the other party should apologize to me first. Two things came to mind. First, I thought of Jesus. All that He had done for me and how He had forgiven me. The price He paid for me and how I was cheapening that sacrifice. Secondly, I was thinking of Mark 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I prayed for help to swallow my pride and then apologized to my friend in front of the group. He forgave me right away and I later apologized to every person at the table separately. The next day was a quiet day for me. I remember my wife asking me if I was okay, but I was in a counseling session with the Holy Spirit. Much like after a fire, there was a lot to clean up. The soot and smoke damage is one thing but so is the water damage from the rescue. I walked into that once dark corner and saw all the potential damage that could have happened had the fire hit the gas line behind the wall. I saw how close I was to that proverbial line that could have really cost me. God spent 4 days with me cleaning up my mess but that new corner is better than ever thanks to Him.

So, who can we give the power to forgive? The same person who gives us the strength to forgive. Who else could we trust with the power and weight of this responsibility other than the only one to ever be righteous and holy? No one else has paid the price for our sins and we could never afford the bill anyway. The Gospel has a way of penetrating through all the darkest spots of our lives if we just let Jesus in. It may seem foreign to some, but that conflict was used to humble me and has increased my relationship with those involved and God. Do you want to let go of the shame or guilt? Do you want to be forged through forgiveness? If you want true strength and freedom then just ask for Jesus to come into your life.

His Plan for Us

October 19, 2021October 19, 2021 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

When I make a mistake or see that I am not being the man God intends for me to be, I can be harder on myself than the Holy Spirit intends. The enemy is quick to pick up on the sweet smell of my defeated mindset and is eager to add to the plate. For a while, the difficult part was turning to God when I was being convicted and assaulted by the enemy. I perceived myself as unworthy to speak to Him due to my short comings. This, in itself, is me forgetting the Gospel. Without Jesus, I would never have a hope in gaining access to the Kingdom of Heaven. Learning that I was unknowingly operating in a way that limited the power of Jesus’ sacrifice was a big wake up call that I needed. But this is not the first time I have had to realign my life with the Gospel and I can see ahead that I have to keep myself on this narrow path which involves an occasional course adjustment. This renewed sense of direction showed me how God was using my recent stumbling blocks to get me back on the path but I couldn’t explain it. Today I was speaking with a brother when I felt a sense that the Holy Spirit had given me words.

Do not focus on the failure or how you can get out of it, but focus on what you can get out of the experience God walked you through.

When hearing this I am reminded that we all make mistakes and God knows we will make more. Without His love and grace, we would all be destined for eternal destruction. There is nothing we can do to earn our salvation and it is not our glory to claim. Jesus walks with us through the fire just like He did with Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego (Daniel 3). If there is anything we should aim our efforts towards, it should be in trusting and learning from God. We should be acknowledging the amazing role He has had in our lives. We must draw strength by remembering that He has plans for us to prosper and His ways are higher than ours. We must grasp onto the fact that He does not plan to harm us but asks us to pick up our cross everyday and follow Him. We must see that in our suffering, God suffers with us and will save us. We must acknowledge that this suffering produces perseverance that changes our character. This leads us to hope all because of God’s love for us. It’s not about us but about Him. It’s about His plan for us.

Scripture references

Proverbs 3:5-6

⁵Trust in the Lord with all your heart,
and do not lean on your own understanding.
⁶In all your ways acknowledge him,
and he will make straight your paths.

Jeremiah 29:11

¹¹For I know the plans I have for you, declares the Lord, plans for welfare^[a] and not for evil, to give you a future and a hope.

Matthew 16:24-25

²⁴Then Jesus told his disciples, “If anyone would come after me, let him deny himself and take up his cross and follow me. ²⁵For whoever would save his life^[g] will lose it, but whoever loses his life for my sake will find it.

Isaiah 55:8-9
⁸For my thoughts are not your thoughts,
    neither are your ways my ways, declares the Lord.
⁹For as the heavens are higher than the earth,
    so are my ways higher than your ways
    and my thoughts than your thoughts.

Isaiah 63:9

⁹In all their affliction he was afflicted,^[c]
and the angel of his presence saved them;
in his love and in his pity he redeemed them;
he lifted them up and carried them all the days of old.

Romans 5:3-5

³Not only so, but we also glory in our sufferings, because we know that suffering produces perseverance; ⁴perseverance, character; and character, hope. ⁵And hope does not put us to shame, because God’s love has been poured out into our hearts through the Holy Spirit, who has been given to us.

Daniel 3: 19-25

¹⁹Then Nebuchadnezzar was filled with fury, and the expression of his face was changed against Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. He ordered the furnace heated seven times more than it was usually heated. ²⁰And he ordered some of the mighty men of his army to bind Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, and to cast them into the burning fiery furnace. ²¹Then these men were bound in their cloaks, their tunics,^[e] their hats, and their other garments, and they were thrown into the burning fiery furnace. ²²Because the king’s order was urgent and the furnace overheated, the flame of the fire killed those men who took up Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego. ²³And these three men, Shadrach, Meshach, and Abednego, fell bound into the burning fiery furnace.

²⁴Then King Nebuchadnezzar was astonished and rose up in haste. He declared to his counselors, “Did we not cast three men bound into the fire?” They answered and said to the king, “True, O king.” ²⁵He answered and said, “But I see four men unbound, walking in the midst of the fire, and they are not hurt; and the appearance of the fourth is like a son of the gods.”

Getting in Position

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Practice makes perfect is a common phrase heard in any training scenario. We all know that if we continue to push past our aches and doubts, we can achieve immense things beyond our original expectations. We are shown this through all forms of media including movies, books, video games, sports, and more. But I have found, in my own experiences and those who share with me, when we are walking with God, seldom do we feel as though we are up to the task or that we are making any advancement. The common method of seeing God as a transactional vending machine of our own will and desires within the confines of His law has sullied our ability to hear Him or fully have faith in God’s plan over our own agenda. This is common amongst the most attended church goers along with those who are just opening the door to Jesus. Once we hit a snag, the stumble that may not lead to a fall could result in an about face from the only thing we know can give us joy. With the knowledge of perseverance producing results, we still find ourselves running on the field while it feels like the game just happens around us.

Recently, I came to understand it in a way like American football. The quarterback has asked me to run out 4 yards and make a left slant and to be in position and available to catch the ball. The huddle breaks and I sprint to the line eager to make an impact. “Hike” catches me off guard and I panic and just play defense in hopes to protect the ball. The whistle blows and I hear “same play” as I run back to the line reminding myself of the play. The second snap is made but I ran too short, hooked left, and the ball is thrown to someone else. In my arrogantly dutiful mood, I shake my head and get back in line. “Same play” is said again in the brief huddle. I run an almost perfect route, but my focus was on the route and not the ball, so it was thrown to someone who was available. Now frustrated with myself I wait for another play to be called but again I hear “same play.” I slowly walk to the line convicted to do it perfect. I run out 4 yards and slant left all while keeping my mind on the gameplan but instead, a run up the middle scores us another few yards. At this point when I get to the huddle I am irked and frustrated. I hear “same play” and throw my hands in the air and think why do I bother. I run that route a few more times with no passes coming my way. Convinced that the defense is on to my route, I decide to make my own routes for the rest of the drive.

Down after down I feel less like a part of the team and eventually the quarterback pulls me aside. “What is wrong?” he asks as I throw my helmet down and sit on the bench. “You are not doing what you said! You said YOU were going to throw ME the ball” I exclaim with fury. He sits down next to me and asks me “have you not noticed all the gains we have made? We just scored and you are pouting. When did I tell you I would throw it to you?” “You said if I ran out 4 yards and slanted left you would pass me the ball” I mumble as he puts his arm around me. “Did I tell you that you had to be in position and available?” he asks, and my head drops down. “Yes, but..” falls from my lips as he slaps me on the back and throws me my helmet saying “get ready. We are up.”

Often, we find ourselves thinking we are in position and available when we are not. This has caused us to doubt God’s promises since it is not meeting the expectation we have set with our own agenda in mind. For some, this leads to running their own routes like I have recently. When I was younger, I turned away from God for the same exact reasons. With our corrupted nature this is not something we just read or experience once without repetition but with due diligence and perseverance combined with the guiding hand of God and strong community of believers we will progress with Christ. The next time we ask ourselves why we are not hearing God or feeling the Holy Spirit as robustly as previously experienced, do not make assumptions but ask yourself if you are available to Him and in position.

The Little Person

November 13, 2019 fuzz seymourLeave a comment

I have been talking to an older wiser person as of late and found them I am guilty of failing the most important person in my life. Me. He explained to me how in side of each one of us is a smaller person. This super ego was bathed in our upbringing. The conversation of nurture verses nature or how we are conditioned is what drives the personality of that little person inside of you. Are you lost yet? Well I have a few other ways of explaining how I understood this concept and where it led me on my journey thus far. Think of this little person as a seed. It is usually hard and surrounded by a firm but still softer meat/exterior. This softer shell is your current personality that has been molded by the design of the seed. Like many things in nature, nothing is usually exactly alike. Those minute differences in how the seed has set or how much water and sun it received will dictate everything about how that final product will become.

So now you get the visual concept but why does this matter? In our current upbringing we really push for external factors to please us. Likes on social media, how often you are tagged in pictures, complements, income level, etc. We are all looking at everyone else for validation. That little person is surrounded by a much more pliable and weakened surface due to these taught responses. I like when people say they are being “forged”. The concept of being tested under extreme conditions has always produced a stronger material over time. This kind of thinking will bring positivity to hardships and failures as they make you stronger than before. External confidence is great for lifting your spirits temporarily, but it really doesn’t have the same effect of the internal forging. Imagine if you could give yourself confidence and manifest your own options. That does not mean you have to be prideful and do everything alone but at the end of the day you need to have the belief that you really did give effort to something and reward yourself for every step. That last part is tremendously important to people feeling lost. When I was out of work for 2 years with an injury I never once celebrated. It sounds stupid right? Why reward myself for falling so low? It took me two years to catch up to where I was 4 years prior. I had more debt than ever before and was making less money than before my injury. It has been 6 years since that injury. So again I ask, why celebrate? Because I made it. It’s really that simple of a concept. Those other factors don’t matter when you look at what I have achieved. I overcame the most difficult part of my life. I spent 2 years with no income and crawled back into a labor-intensive work environment. Even with all the pain and suffering I have performed many shows, recorded several songs, started a podcast, learned several trades, and bought a home. The point is I was always so busy at looking at where others were in life or how they perceived me that I made the pressure and suffering harder than it needed to be. So how do we do that?

All that starts with looking inside at your little person. The most important thing about looking internally is the clarity it brings. Once you can calibrate your own vision of yourself the world around you will finally become focused. You have been walking around with bad vision your whole life asking other people who can’t see “which way do I go?” Sometimes you don’t have the courage to ask and find yourself following a mass group of people thinking you found the direction you should go while everyone still feels misplaced. Looking in the mirror is not easy for most people. The reality is you are looking at the results of your choices and the circumstance you have been dealt. Watching your actions through a third person perspective helps you understand how complacent you are. Phrases like “I don’t have time for that”, “why should I have to do it”, or “it’s too hard” will annoy you. These words should bother you. They are the sounds of complacency and it has a strong hold on those who chant its false narrative.

To achieve that clarity you have to understand what drive you and what holds you back. Comfort is a big factor. That job or person in your life seems to be good enough to just call the quits. Just hang in there and it will all work out is how comfort speaks to you. It whispers in your ear about how going to the gym or studying is not going to please you right now so why not binge watch Netflix and eat some McDonalds. The reality is that your seeking comfort because you are running from your fears. Your fears of failure or inadequacy drive you to need this comfort. Your littler person is in control when you default to this lifestyle. Understanding this will highlight when you are letting your earlier years dictate what you are doing now or if you are making progress. When I know I have to prepare for the recording studio but I decide to go to the bar with friends, spend upwards of $100, and didn’t get enough sleep on a day that I know is important is ridiculous. yet we make these poor decisions daily because we don’t understand ourselves. Self-worth comes with self-understanding which breeds self-success. Building better habits while enjoying them will bring you way more happiness in life and so will building stronger relationships with similar minded people. Many people quote the phrase “you are the sum of your 5 closest friends” or something along those lines. This is not only true but really hard to overcome. That person has been in your life for X amount of years or did this for you in the past. I am not advising you to cut everyone out of your life but think of it like this: If they aren’t filling your tank they are just using up more of your gas.

This article will really come down to a few things; you have to understand your little person, you must challenge your fears, and it is ok to fail. A lot of these things are really basic, but you are still not utilizing your knowledge of these facts to help yourself. Seeking validation on Facebook or approval on Twitter does not improve you position in life. Engaging in challenging situations and making more for yourself by targeting your goals will improve every aspect of your life. There is no way of changing your life for the better if you never take the steps to do so. Maybe you can win the lottery, but you have to play and understand the odds. When you hesitate to turn your “should do” into “will do” you leave an opening for comfort to speak up. Do not give that little person the wheel. There are no guarantees in this world, but I can personally tell you that understanding yourself and finding your own path in this life will never allow you to fail yourself more than you are right now by doing nothing. Commit to yourself and flourish.

Getting the Point Across

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Today I already failed in doing this feat. I knowingly commented my way in to a scenario where I knew I wouldn’t be a champion of changing opinions. The poster was assumed, on my part, to being okay with the idea of attacking someone based off of the red hat they wore. Yes, the great white nationalist MAGA hat sets the stage again. However they never stated this. It was inferred as such by sharing and saying ” Ppl gotta realize wearing symbols of hate out for everyone to see doesn’t always bring the results or consequences u expect.” So the inference, though logical, was my original mistake.

I am not a Trump supporter. I think the man is a symbol of how a leader can divide a country and tear open old wounds rather then letting us heal. In many ways, I do not disagree with his policies and political views. My reason for defending the people who support him was not because I stand with them, but because I feel that violence for an assumed position should be highly frowned upon.

So why would I comment knowing I would appear as a racist Trumper? I thought I could help find a little bit of a middle ground in the conversation. Maybe I could show people the that being emotional and feeling personally attacked may lead to justifying and irrational act. So getting to the point of the article… (Did you see what I did there? Its the name of the article. Yeah!) I failed to properly make my point. I felt as though I said what I felt and explained it well, but it’s simply not that easy in a social media setting.

So I decided to message some people involved in the conversation. Even though some readers felt they were “not logical”, I found that in our private chats they had many good points. So how did I get my point to a position where we finally came to an understanding? Where did we settle on our differences and feel like we had a real conversation that lead to us being “social media friends” and starting to see the other’s perspective? It was when we asked questions that had no social impact. No judgement. No pressure. Just two people holding a conversation.

So the basic jist of conversation before the private messages, it was me comparing the idea that the hat is a symbol of hate due to a connection to the man but it does not need to be that way. That a supporter of a racist is not a racist. That not all people who are assumed to be a thing are that thing. We saw this after 9/11. Middle eastern people were harshly treated after theses attacks. Their appearance was labeled fearful and a threat. I understood why ignorant people felt this way, but I disagreed with it. I still do. I understand that racist people do support Trump. This connection does not mean that all people who support the man are in fact carrying the same views on race. To have that thought process is beyond my thinking. So as they explained to me why they felt this way I understood their perspective more. But I never got my side understood.

So in the direct message to the original poster I decided we should take turns asking questions. I would ask question until we cam to my point and they would answer realistically. Following that interaction we would switch places. This individual and I have had many interactions and debates but this was the easiest way for us to find our similar views on the topic. By asking questions I was able to lead the person down my thought process. When we reached the end of the first half of the exercise I found that I felt understood. My guard could drop. That’s when I realized I was closed minded in the previous social media engagement. I was so focused on my point that I forgot theirs. So when I started answering their questions I found myself aligning with them a lot. If you take out the “but what about”s you tend to find a clear path for conversation. I used the unjust reasoning of hate for middle eastern people to show how one act or some violence can impact a whole group without due cause. I got through to the fact that not everyone can be brushed with a broad stroke. But more importantly, I was reminded that situational and environmental variables change the scope of reaction. That you can wear a black lives matter to a KKK rally but it may not bring the best outcome. That wearing red or blue in certain cities could show as a friendly or an enemy to some people. This is all accurate and it directly relates to the original post in question.

The point of this article is not to defend or attack a group of people, but to understand how to come to a civilized perspective on an issue that you may disagree with. That the path of the thought process can have you align with individuals that you assumed to not be in agreement with. At the end of the conversation I learned more than I taught. Being right is not the road to progress and open minded people can easily fall into traps of defensive wall building. Do not be afraid to converse with people you may not understand, because you might just learn something for once.

From Anonymous to Proud

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Man is least himself when he talks in his own person. Give him a mask, and he will tell you the truth.
— Oscar Wilde.

This is something I have felt strongly about since the first time I put anything up on YouTube or saw a rant on Facebook from a fake account. People belittling each other for fun as it would seem, but many really have strong beliefs in the hate they spew. I find myself noticing some people have donned the mask with their full identities available. Remember the times when racism, homophobia, and hate speech were behind closed doors and life was better? Was it really better? Is doxxing making it better or worse? Did behind closed doors really make it any better? Did knowing the name give you justice?

I once spoke with a co worker about these feelings in 2013. For those of you who did not notice, I am a white male. The epitome of “privilege” from a broke ass family who is told I have the world by the balls every day for having external sexual reproductive organs and fair skin. All I know is that my balls itch and I burn easy. Fair trade I guess for the grand idea that I am a walking demigod. My co worker was a black man from Philly (Philadelphia for the uninitiated) and he was very much a people watcher. Some would write “Fred” off as non-confrontational and mild mannered. A family man who did his job, coached his kids, and loved his car. But I knew “Fred” for a long time. I knew the stories he only mentioned off the clock.

One day we got to have a real conversation about race. So there I am working with “Fred”, a Liberian born black man who is close to me in age , and someone in the immediate area says the “N-word.” I never even once got assumed to be the person to say it. It happened immediately behind me and they were both on the other side of the machine and had no visual of anyone else. When I looked at “Fred” he immediately said “Couldn’t have been Fuzz” and just went back to work. I appreciated his lack of assumption and obvious lack of rationality but it led me to ask him “why not me?” It’s not like I have never said the word in any capacity. So I asked him…

“Fred” told me a story about when he worked in a factory in Philly. He worked with a man that would call any black man he saw doing something he didn’t agree with racial slurs. Usually saving the “N-word” for more extreme cases, but that man never once posed a threat to “Fred” or any other person at work. Confused and interested, I asked “How was he not a threat?” In which he replied “It’s not the ones that call you a N-word to your face, it’s the ones that say it behind your back you need to watch out for.”

I never thought of me openly talking about my own prejudices and questioning everything as me letting my guard down and telling others I was safe. I thought it was normal. My whole life I got in trouble for saying the truth until I learned about when, and most importantly, WHO you can trust. I always had this thought in the back of my head until I ran across the quote above. I thought of all the fake profiles on social media that would stir up hate and ruin peoples day for no reason. It wasn’t like Skankhunt42 level comedy or anything. So what was the point? I saw that none of them were really giving you a way to know who they were. They were the ones we needed to watch out for.

So what if they came to light? Would they be ostracized or mauled in the street? Admittedly, I was late to a lot of things in life. Reddit was never really something I utilized or the dreaded Twitter. When doxxing started happening I felt it could be a cure to draw out people of hate and have them atone for their actions in some way. Maybe this would help them see the error in their ways and help bring conversation to the topics? Quickly we saw the social media justice machine just go off the deep end and it became judge, jury, and executioner on so many levels since then. So it didn’t really make a big impact. Now people just say “fuck it” and own their own brand. Telling people to “Unfollow me or block me if you don’t (insert any bs here).”

So where does that leave us now in 2019? When people are openly assaulting one another over red hats and chanting “Send her back” at political events? When people feel rewarded for being banned from social media as if it shows you’re against the “Liberal Agenda.” When you can make unsubstantiated claims of whatever you want to make up and people have to prove they never said or did it to begin with? We have a generation of people that are so closed minded they shut out every thought process or conversations that doesn’t align with the opinion they have temporarily made. Are we in a time where the mask and the person are one and the same?

I talk to my co host twice a week about racism and prejudice. We can have a civil conversation and know where we stand, but if I look at the social media engagement he gets from aggressive white people wanting to knock down his opinion or stance with no willingness to converse, or the hate cards being dropped with no one being allowed to question it… well I find myself appalled with how logic, reasoning, discussion, and tolerance have disappeared from the mindset of those around us.

I started this blog to show that behind every mask is not bad intent. Sometimes it’s just sad truths, from my perspective. Maybe it’s a story from an unlikely hero. Maybe we get to know a little more about goals and dreams we never thought about. I hope to give insight and stir deliberation amongst people like we should be used to but with the walls taken down. There is nothing wrong with being wrong and there is nothing great about being right. In the end it should all be about understanding and growth as a culture. Read more than a headline. Act like a civilized human being. Crave understanding. Learn tolerance. Be disciplined.