Have you ever run out of gas or broke down on the side of the road? How about several times? What if you knew it was going to keep coming again and again on your trip? On this journey with God, we can sometimes get turned around or take a wrong turn. Often, I think I am heading a better route than what may have been set before me. Even though God is talking through the GPS to redirect us we can choose to hit the mute button because the route adjustments are “killing the mood.” For myself, the experience tends to cause the Lord takes out a tire or flash the check engine light while my engines rattle about. This seems to happen ever month or so on my walk with Jesus Christ. I know these seasons are for my best interest to bring Him glory, but I still get childish on the side of the road. “Why can’t I just get to where I want to go!” I scream while kicking the bumper causing the sole of my shoe to stain the paint. Then I throw my hands in the air and lean against the car while dialing up a tow truck mumbling about how lame my life can be at times. But after the 5th or 6th time this year, I had found myself just laying on the road next to the car just wishing I did not have to keep going.
These past few weeks I knew something was going on inside and around me. Darkness was coming like a storm, and I did not think I needed to turn to for shelter. There I stood looking the other way as the cresting storm broke over me like a wave and I was tossed about. I stumbled to my feet and was determined to get out of this cold abyss I found myself in. I did not see it at the time, but I was determined to do this on my own. This is where I failed. This is why I was here on the side of the road. After several days of loneliness, I had finally taken my prayers more seriously and expressed my confusion to God begging Him to spare me and show me what I was not seeing. He showed me my lack of obedience. My spiritual discipline had turned to an optional choice that feel far below the ranks of my own needs. I had tried to put God in 3rd place. Loved ones were in the hospital, sickness had damaged my income, I was setting up expectations, and my validation was being divvied up to others rather than solely seeking it from my creator. I got lost in my own desires and was throwing a tantrum over the results.
With my heavy heart, slumped shoulders, and broken pride I bowed before God and told Him how unworthy I was. I expressed that I had forgotten that I was just dust and ash in this story and that through Jesus Christ I am made righteous. I may have not been pointing fingers and riding my high horse, but with just as much naivety I had thought I oversaw my life. I would say I humbled myself before God but honestly God humbled me back to the name of the Lord. I was caught up in my own self worship without my knowledge and then I turned the wisdom God had given me against myself. Accepting humility comes with its own fight. Verses like Luke 9:62 crippled me as I looked at this living word through the paradigm of my own works and not through my savior.
Jesus replied, “No one who puts a hand to the plow and looks back is fit for service in the kingdom of God.”
Luke 9:62 (NIV)
For the past few days, I have been keeping my heart close to God’s promises because He is good, just, and holy. My car is back on the road and heading in the right direction. I may be on a scenic route that will take me longer than expected by I am going to keep going as long as I can until He sees fit for another heart check. A verse that I came across today inspired me to write this in hopes that anyone new or accustomed to this walk would find some hope through God’s word and my experience with Him. I had steered onto my own path that brought me to darkness. In that darkness I thought I could light my own way and found myself lying down in torment. I was humbled out of love and shown mercy in my folly. Next time I find myself heading towards darkness I will remember who is really driving the car. God is deserving of our worship not just because He created us, but because He is good, just, and holy.
Who among you fears the LORD and obeys the word of his servant? Let the one who walks in the dark, who has no light, trust in the name of the LORD and rely on their God. But now, all you who light fires and provide yourselves with flaming torches, go, walk in the light of your fires and of the torches you have set ablaze. This is what you shall receive from my hand: You will lie down in torment.
Isaiah 50:10–11 (NIV)
The Agape Narrative Project 