Forged Through Forgiveness

Is it hard for you to forgive someone? How about asking for forgiveness from someone else? Which one is harder for you? First thought for most would be forgiving another. The thoughts of those who wronged, slighted, deserted, or abused you comes to mind. Those strong and painful memories come up for me while I am drafting. Those failed expectations to meet basic requirements of upholding ones responsibility combined with a lack of remorse or an unwillingness to admit their wrongdoing burns inside like a fire. One person might show up in your mind repeatedly fueling the raging fire within. How could they (this) or how dare they (that), may echo throughout your mind. We may even feel justified for some or all of the actions we made in response to their betrayal. While you’re probably flashing back and forth between reading this and gazing at the inferno, can I tell you that you make or made someone else feel this same way?

  That fire died down a little didn’t it?  We are so quick to point the finger and judge others that we do not notice the scorch marks we left in other people’s lives.  Think of all the fires you have started and walked away from without ever saying “I am sorry” let alone asking to be forgiven.  Sometimes we have even rushed a lackluster apology to get out of the situation before they smelled the smoke leaving them to tend to the fire all in an effort that we could feel blameless for the results. Are you owning up to your wrong doings or do you lack that same humility you wish others had?

So, why don’t we ask to be forgiven? Is it a fear of giving control over to someone else? Well, if that was the case, then we should be the ones to forgive ourselves, right? In my experiences and through conversations with others, that is even harder to do. If we had full control of this process, then wouldn’t that shame or guilt we hold onto no longer be an issue? Therapists would be in way less demand now a days. On the other hand, some “forgive” themselves too quickly never actually learning what they did wrong and leaving a trail of fires in their wake leaving them feeling isolated and desperate for those “real” relationships. Whether it is the shame, guilt, or hiding from our feelings the result is typically the same. We fill the void with something else, whether it be alcohol, weed, drugs, or any other culturally acceptable addiction. So, we do a pretty bad job of forgiving ourselves so let us circle back to, why not just go to the person we wronged? Maybe it is a fear of rejection.  What if they don’t forgive us? What if they are still mad at us? Do we want to walk into the room we set ablaze?  If we end up with shame or guilt as a possibility what was the point?  The point, is humility.  

Earlier, when thinking of those who have wronged you, the ember left by a previous memory was growing into a wildfire since we gave it oxygen and fuel, but humility stoked that fire when mentioning that we are no better. Those that are forgiven are more likely to forgive others. Don’t believe me? Start forgiving others and see the results for yourself. This is not only a great example of how God’s grace impacts our lives but how we can unhook ourselves from the anchors of shame through Jesus. Recently, I was about to be engulfed by flames and God used that fire to prune me. A good friend and I were both being hardheaded, and everyone knows that when two stones clash a spark can be made. This spark landed on a dry haystack of memories piled up in a dark corner of my mind. My response, regardless of how justified I may have felt at the time, was poor and unacceptable. As we started to argue I could feel my words and his inciting the fire more and more. Next thing I knew, I was standing up and threw something at his hands while yelling over him to express dominance. As the fires grew so did my volume and my words were like a volley of flaming arrows impacting him as well as the other 3 people in the room. As I approached a line that our relationship may have never recovered from, my wife said my name. This snapped me out of the anger long enough to see the faces of everyone around me. My rage was not as isolated as I had thought and now I saw the casualties of my battle. I sat down ashamed of myself and then the comments continued from the other hardheaded person in the room. I looked at my wife and asked her “am I supposed to just sit here and take this?!” and that flame was coming right back up my throat. I believe the Holy Spirit talked directly through my wife and said “Yes. Yes, you are.”

After a few minutes had passed I was still in shock. What have I done? Why have I reacted this way? I am supposed to be a man of God and I… I was ready to have a physical altercation with my friend over a board game. Yes, I said board game. I felt the Lord telling me that I should apologize but I was defiant at first thinking that the other party should apologize to me first. Two things came to mind. First, I thought of Jesus. All that He had done for me and how He had forgiven me. The price He paid for me and how I was cheapening that sacrifice. Secondly, I was thinking of Mark 6:14-15 For if you forgive others their trespasses, your heavenly Father will also forgive you, but if you do not forgive others their trespasses, neither will your Father forgive your trespasses. I prayed for help to swallow my pride and then apologized to my friend in front of the group. He forgave me right away and I later apologized to every person at the table separately. The next day was a quiet day for me. I remember my wife asking me if I was okay, but I was in a counseling session with the Holy Spirit. Much like after a fire, there was a lot to clean up. The soot and smoke damage is one thing but so is the water damage from the rescue. I walked into that once dark corner and saw all the potential damage that could have happened had the fire hit the gas line behind the wall. I saw how close I was to that proverbial line that could have really cost me. God spent 4 days with me cleaning up my mess but that new corner is better than ever thanks to Him.

So, who can we give the power to forgive? The same person who gives us the strength to forgive. Who else could we trust with the power and weight of this responsibility other than the only one to ever be righteous and holy? No one else has paid the price for our sins and we could never afford the bill anyway. The Gospel has a way of penetrating through all the darkest spots of our lives if we just let Jesus in. It may seem foreign to some, but that conflict was used to humble me and has increased my relationship with those involved and God. Do you want to let go of the shame or guilt? Do you want to be forged through forgiveness? If you want true strength and freedom then just ask for Jesus to come into your life.