Learning to Lose

Failure has always been something I dread. The idea of rejection or not living up to a standard keeps me awake at night and anxious in the mornings. The thought of having a complaint on a song that I poured days of time into causes me to overthink everything. The fear of re-work at my job has me inspecting things multiple times so I don’t have a common mistake. I spend so much time trying to look up how to be better so I don’t fail that I forget why I need to lose sometimes.

The lesson of losing or failing shows people humility and the one thing I always struggle to find, the right answer. Having never been a competitive person I was not big on sports or challenging other peoples abilities or my own. So I stayed “humble” for various reasons but mostly out of selfishness. I know it sounds strange but I will give an example. If you haven’t visited a guitar store before it usually has a bunch of people inside playing on an instrument they would like to purchase. Usually they are pushing the amp or drum kit to the limit. They are those people you can hear from the parking lot or through the sound proof room they set up in. These people usually aren’t the most talented players, however they have the confidence that I lack which pulls me away from this kind of situation. I was always “just good” at music. I could figure things out quickly and I was blessed with rhythm. But the fear of someone commenting on my bass or guitar skills always kept me on the lowest volume. If I walked to the acoustic room and someone was in there I would just walk out so they wouldn’t have the chance to hear me disappoint them. Now that I am older I wish I would have put myself in more situations to lose.

When something doesn’t go as planned you learn how NOT to do things. This form of trial by error is not uncommon to me as a gamer but I have trouble accepting those trivial risks in real life situations. Why do people fear this fate? From a logical stand point it feels like the best way to learn in many scenarios. I will spend hours looking up something that could have taken me 20 mins of fiddling around to figure out. Watching other people fail has helped me learn what works and does not. So again, when they fail I don’t harass them, why am I inclined to think I would become a “loser” in their mind for being brave enough to do the same things.

Maybe bravery is the problem. Courage is to know that the building is on fire and still run in to save someones life. Bravery is not knowing what lies beyond the door but still taking the risk. That unknown is what really scares me. But when I know what the risks are and the potential outcomes would it still be my fear of the unknown? Yes. The idea that I can not place a favorable percentage on an outcome, even though I know all the possible scenarios that will enfold, is still so terrifying to me that I will not take the gamble. This game of chance or luck has never been something I pursued as it was taught to me at a young age due to a harsh upbringing. Having to know the outcomes is the only thing that prepares me for the endeavor ahead. If there is less than 75% chance of success I will avoid the situation. This has lead me to lose out on tour opportunities, miss advances in my career, turn down high risk high reward scenarios, and stay safe in my decision makings.

Having never had the confidence to fail lead me to become more isolated. At one point I found myself surrounded by people below my level of skill just so I would feel less threatened. This kind of anxiety has lead me to become less talented and successful than anyone who started off with a lower chance of accomplishment than myself. So from years of playing it safe I have not lost much but gained almost nothing. The moral to the story is fail on purpose. Many entrepreneurs preach this theory and it works. No one is telling you to set yourself up to do some stupid things but if you want to try surfing do it. If you dreamed of opening a bakery then pursue that dream. You can start just but doing small events and making things out of your kitchen. My podcast and band have pushed me to do things that I would have never decided to do on my own. If you need to have a companion on your journeys or some friends with similar interest to guide you just ask. I was surprised to find that they too were not taking the risks for the same reasons. You can grow together. Don’t over complicate the things you want to do in life. Become daring, push your boundaries, and achieve more by doing. Security has it’s advantages, but it will not help you progress.